that woman here

failure is not an option

2011-02-13T07:32:00.000-08:00

i was listening to a podcast of this american life called 'say anything.' anyone from the 80's remember john cusack as lloyd dobler in that iconic scene where a young man figures out what to do to tell his beloved how he feels. but this isn't about 80's films or about love per se, it's about the first part of that broadcast, it's about failure to thrive.

i read the description for the broadcast and listened anyway. i have had many fears and conquered most of them when i moved from san diego almost six years ago.

what am i trying to say? what am i trying to relate? i haven't had suicidal thoughts since i was a hormonal teenager and thought that calling one of my aunts after i swallowed a bottle of tylenol would free me. because deep down inside i wanted it to get back to my mother one way or another, after the fact. or so i thought.

clearly, i never really wanted to die. here i am a mother, a woman, here in this plane of existence listening to npr and hearing a man's failed attempt at suicide. his glibness on par with a man describing how he struck out with that hot redhead at the bar last saturday night as if it's something that happens on a regular basis.

but in this case it does happen on a regular basis. you learn that his mother committed suicide and his father had learned to fill the space of two parents. yet, the memory of mother and her final achievement ring heavy on his mind, the flatness of how he describes that he didn't take enough morphine to do the job is frightening and you finally learn that he succeeds at his master plan.

clearly, i am affected by this for many reasons. unlike the narrator of the story, i had no knowledge of my friend's intentions (ron), i had thought that another friend had intentions when it was just a writing assignment with no preface in the email (heath).

i am affected by the hopelessness, the eventuality, the realizations that come years after the fact, the finality.

yet, with all of this the suicide of a friend, the cancer that kills your parents, the minutes of momentary despair when you see your past in the present of your only child, you know. you, literally, learn to use the bullshit of life, the waste, the fertilizer to live, to grow. to remain here and let something positive live, you eventually learn to thrive.

there are plenty of saccharine, kitschy signs to buy reminding you to 'bloom where you're planted.' but while a sign on the wall may something cute it's the look in your eyes that speaks volumes about what you've survived to your family and friends closest to you and those on the street who'll never see you again.

i learned a long time ago that hormones change faster than the weather and that if you take the bullshit from your life and put it to good use you can thrive anywhere. but you have to want to.

it would be nice if that was the legacy my child chose to pass on to her future children but i am also quite comfortable with the fact that my child will most likely pass on that i am a hysterical nerd. which means that i have plenty of time to decide what color light saber earrings to wear when my grandchildren come to visit or whether we should only speak wookie during thanksgiving dinner twenty years from now.

the ties that bind

2010-06-04T18:35:00.000-07:00

the midget graduated high school a couple weeks ago. you'd hardly guess that, wouldn't you? she's always my midget, always my child, always my life.

while her graduating is grand news anytime, it's not what brings me to write today. i have to say i have had never given a passing thought as to what might cross my child's mind as she prepares for her future in the world. certainly not the fact that she might worry about how i'm going to make it financially, or that i might just fall apart and revert back to drinking incessantly to ease a lonely pain.

no, she's supposed to be thinking about how she's going to conquer the world, how she will marry the man of her dreams and have lots of kids after she's had her education. she's not supposed to be worried about me. what bothers me is that she's never voiced this to me. instead, she told her dad who came to visit for her graduation, that she wants to get a good job so that she can afford to send money home to me (damn, i did a good job, didn't i?).

in the years since i took on the responsibility of raising my child alone, it has never been easy. it's always been difficult, financially. if anything, it taught me to be creative about fun things we could do together that would very little or nothing at all. and, in doing so, it taught the midget growing up that labels and designer names weren't very important, that you didn't have to get your groceries at the most expensive well-known chains to get the best for your table.

even with all this creativity, her decisions still have this dark cloud covering them...can we afford it? "i won't get that mom, it's too much money" or "i'll wait until later" she got a beautiful dress for graduation that was made for her from a vendor on etsy. with shipping, it was well over $80. and that didn't include the little things like makeup, shoes, lingerie, etc. so, of course, my rent was late and it was well worth it.

even with all of these setbacks, it has been my daughter and i together battling what came next, together. when my mother was dying of cancer, it was my 3 1/2 yr old daughter that patted my head, hugged me and told me, "it's okay mommy, i'll take care of you." of course, i just cried harder. but, it remained a reminder that i couldn't let myself get lost in my grief and forget about her.

i'm think i'm getting off task here. what i need to say is that i never thought i would have to tell my child to go on with her life and not to worry about what i would be doing, or not doing, with myself alone. i told my ex that, at the right time, i would let her know that she need not worry, that she'll be doing plenty of that with her own life, once it begins. i also told him that i'll probably be taking belly dancing and trying to find a creative outlet for the orphanage of beads that i've collected along the way.

i used to worry about being too close to the midget, wondering whether i would become more withdrawn when it was her time to leave and begin her own adventures. it put me in mind of the character that bernadette peters played in the musical, into the woods. the old witch who laments, in the form of a song, to the young rapunzel about the dangers in the world. stay with me, it's called. and it always makes me cry. i always see myself as being one step away from begging the midget not to go.

i'm ready for the midget to grow up. i'm ready to have a bathroom to myself. i'm ready to listen to whatever music i like with no critics about. i think i'm ready to start this new adventure of my own, as well.

mirage defined

2010-03-10T14:39:00.000-08:00

Main Entry: mi·rage
Pronunciation: \mə-ˈräzh\
Function: noun
Etymology: French, from mirer to look at, from Latin mirari
Date: 1803
1 : an optical effect that is sometimes seen at sea, in the desert, or over a hot pavement, that may have the appearance of a pool of water or a mirror in which distant objects are seen inverted, and that is caused by the bending or reflection of rays of light by a layer of heated air of varying density
2 : something illusory and unattainable like a mirage
synonyms see delusion. merriam-webster online dictionary

i talked about mirages, once before, not long ago. ah yes, leonard was his name. leonard, by his very nature, was an illusion. the person you got to know was not the person he really was or even what he portrayed himself as. but that was another part of the desert.

this new part of the desert brought me back home to san diego. i didn't get to see the ocean, other than what i flew over, or even trader joe's (which i desperately miss). no, this was a particularly strong mirage. this one came from the past to haunt me, like a hound from hell.

what's different about this cautionary tale is that, this time, i wasn't longing for love or warmth. this time, i wanted closure. and in a way, i got it. i didn't get to say all the things i wanted to say. he probably still thinks that i want to be with him, that he got to push me away as he had been doing for years. but, in a round-a-bout way, i still got what i wanted.

troy and i went through junior high and high school together. we were always in the same home room through out the years and never really had any interaction other than "hi, how are you?" so it would seem strange to me that at the 10 year reunion he would come up to me and tell me that he had a crush on me in school. strange and welcoming. what better way to get back into the dating scene than to date someone you have a limited amount of history with. at least, it seemed to work at the time. we ended up dating for three years until it just ended. he couldn't tell you why but i have a pretty good idea. then nothing, until about a year ago.....

i'm still not sure about my feelings for facebook. it's a wonderful tool for keeping in touch with wayward members of the family, like my little brother but i have to say that i've always been rather good at letting past ghosts keep to themselves. i don't google any one's name or check to see if they're on facebook, i just walk away.

troy looked me up on facebook and we start chatting again. he telling me how much he missed me and asking what happened all those years ago. last year, at this time, we were discussing having a long distance relationship and something kept nagging at me. something kept making me cry and get upset, making me want to step away from him. something that wouldn't clearly show it self until about a month ago when the epiphany finally became clear.

it wasn't just my reticence that soured things between us. at least i was honest from the beginning when i told him that i was afraid. he kept changing his mind, or not being truthful with me about the women in his life, not being truthful about a great many things. our conversations became became an on again off again trial that left me drained.

it was after one of the off moments, when we started chatting again, that he dropped the bombshell. i had been planning on coming out to san diego for vacation and asked him if he wanted to have lunch while i was out there. he asked if i could spend the weekend with him and have lots of sex. he was being honest there. i said we'll start with lunch and see how it goes. all the while, that nagging feeling was getting stronger.

it was during our talks of plans for san diego that he told me that if things worked out between us that he would like me to move back and be with him, permanently. that's when the nagging feeling became a five alarm fire. you would think i'd be happy to finally hear those words from a man, but no. it was quite the opposite. i started having anxiety attacks and crying jags. i was not a happy camper.

i thought about his offer many times and it actually made me angry. then, it all became clear to me. everything was all about what he wanted. not once did he ever ask what i wanted or how i felt about the whole thing. all this time during the past year when he kept waffling about his feelings, going from one extreme to the other, i finally realized that i was letting troy play me like a yo-yo. from one reason to the next, it seemed that he could come up with something that i would have to aspire to in order to be "the one" for him. and i fell for it. and of course, he would add that he didn't jump through hoops for anyone. i'd say that control issues are an understatement.

armed with this knowledge, i paid my way to san diego for a very brief trip (vacation plans had been canceled)to clear the air and my head. i knew from the moment i saw him at the airport i just wanted to walk away. although, when i saw security, i did have this thought that i would tell them that troy was a stalker just to see what would happen. i had a long hall to walk down in order to crush that thought!

but no, i was a semi-good girl. i smiled nicely at security when i walked by and didn't say a word. when troy came up to me i had a hard time letting him hug me and it showed. dinner later wasn't any better. he had waffled again, saying that he wanted to live his life by the moment. he wanted to be free to do what he wanted. my response to all this: okay...fine!

all my thoughts and clearly worded and memorized monologues disappeared....poof! what didn't go away was the anxiety. the walk back to his truck after dinner was difficult, when he opened the door for me i went into the back seat for my luggage like i was going through my things, but, in reality, i had thoughts of walking away. i even told him that. his reply was that he wasn't sure he didn't want me to. that, of course, made my choice easy. i grabbed my bag saying,"well, let me make that decision for you." and i left.

i wasn't far from my friend heath's house, i think i had enough money for a motel room, if i needed it. all these things running through my mind, with troy calling after me about my leftovers from dinner. "keep them!" i yell back and keep right on walking. let me pause here and say that i would have loved to have seen troy's decision making process at the time. was he circling around his truck saying what do i do? did he toss my leftovers or give them to someone on the way? i don't know, but it would have been fun to watch.

to make along story short, he caught up with me and i gave in, for the moment. scratch that, i gave in. we went back to his place and did what adults do. all the while i'm kicking myself for not speaking up and telling him anything. so, i let him make all the moves and everything seems peachy keen overnight and the next morning until he comes later in the afternoon with his daughter. after which he proceeds to tell me that "he doesn't want me sleeping in his bed because his daughter likes to sleep with him when she visits." okay, not a problem, i can handle that. but no, he's not done yet. he continues by saying "there's no chance for us." to which i respond silently dumbfounded. didn't he tell me that last night over dinner? did i miss something?

mmmmkay, i start packing and he wants to know what's wrong. my mind is spewing verbiages that apparently can't make the trip to my mouth but, of course, i'm a nice girl(for the most part anyway) and tell him that i felt very uncomfortable being there with him and that i needed to leave. which i did.

it's over. it's all said and done. but i still feel like writing him a letter and telling him how i really feel. that the sex wasn't as good as it used to be. and believe me...I T W A S G O O D!

here i am, yes it's true......no, you're not from texas!

2008-12-31T08:34:00.000-08:00

yes, i'm here in texas and still adjusting. i'm working part time for the moment. but, can you believe that it pays the bills? i'm still adjusting to that.

slowly but surely i'm starting to make jewelry again. i've finished another mermaid necklace (my fave). i'm debating whether to upload or not based on the color clarity. i've just started playing with my scanner this morning and there's too much light on the necklace and the colors aren't as true. oh hell....who cares?

the midget's well...she's 16 now. and yes, i dye my hair to hide the grays. but, as far as teenagers go, she's good, she's really good. i'm blessed. i hope you are too.

i'mm off on another adventure...

2008-06-17T05:18:00.000-07:00

the midget and i are off to texas today. i have a job interview a few hours after we arrive tomorrow. i'm not scared at all anymore. i'm just hyped on cigarettes and caffeine.

wish me there safely.

did i ever tell you....?

2008-05-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

so, here i am 41 years old and people look at me and still think that i'm some martha stewart acolyte. if you only knew.......

i remember going to the adams avenue street music festival one year and going to my favorite radio station's booth asking for some schwag. the kid (maybe 22) looked at me askew and kind of laughed. "are you sure you're at the right place?" he asks me. i see one of the regular dj's behind him turn around to see who he's talking to. "what do you want to know?" i ask him, "ok, who are some of the dj's from the station?" he queries.

i proceed to give the daily lineup then the weekend lineup and he's just standing there staring with his jaw open, then he finally finds the faculty to say "whoa...whoa....ok...i stand corrected"

i wish i still had that t-shirt. the midget has destroyed it somewhere along the way.

94.9 san diego. it's about the music. i miss tommy when he used to do the early morning on the weekdays. i miss anya, halloran and travis early mornings on the weekends. i miss them all. i miss big sonic chill ( i used to fall asleep to it every night). i can only say that i'm glad i have the web.

2008-05-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

there are no mirages lately or dreams of the future. i have someone to fill the void for the moment but he doesn't give me what i need deep down inside....and the midget hates him. so, there's no hope for me here in illinois. i wait for the breeze in texas and i hope that i can create again; words and beautiful things. my creative side is beginning to feel like a limb lost long ago, you can feel it but it's not there any more.

i don't want it to end. i need it not to end. i need to know that some part of what i can create will not die. i refuse to believe that i will live a half life just going through the motions of being alive instead of being someone that stays in the back of your mind that refuses to be put away in file, a box, a neat place where you categorize things.

i will never be shakespeare, bukowski, neruda, cummings, hemingway or anyone else's words that echo through my mind and yours as the moments pass. i am not them but i still want to be me. here i am. i will never forget you.

time for another adventure!!

2008-05-11T05:51:00.000-07:00

...at least that's how i'm looking at it.

i was terminated from my job at the plant in the beginning of february for sleeping and have not been able to find any other employment since. and of course, a negative result for that means not being able to pay the rent. so, yes we're out - but we're good.

i'm turning all of this bad weather into sunshine (and humidity), though. we're moving to texas. we'll be leaving in about three weeks or so. in the mean time, we''re staying with sarah's oldest daughter ame until the great exodus commences.

i miss you all dearly and hoprfully, i will be able to post more now that there is a computer here.

love you and miss you all.

teresa

postcard for the new year

2008-01-01T07:27:00.000-08:00

hello everyone...thank you for the kind words and support that all of you have sent my way throughout this year. i certainly never expected to be gone a year!! All of you have been very close in my thoughts during the times i had a craving to write.

my return to the blog is still a bit iffy at this point. i shut off the house phone when the midget ran up the long distance talking to her cute young male friend. i will certainly try to do my writing the old fashioned way and then going to the library too give it to you.

i'm still having the same thoughts but with less pain attached. i've lost 50 pounds and still going. i'm not sure whether i'd ever put a pic of myself up but stranger things have happened.

my new year's resolution is to make the changes in my life myself that i sat around and waited for them to happen on their own.

i will continue to smoke occasionally. i will continue to have cocktails and irish stout when i have the thirst( thankfully, not that often). i will remember that i am a great human with wonderful loving friends.

happy new year to you all!!

missed you all,

teresa

i'm only happy when it rains

2006-12-27T19:37:00.000-08:00

my lengthy absence has been due to a depression that i'm still trying to shake. it doesn't help that the holidays are here. they always seem to bring me down for some reason and the fact that being here, in this place, seems to have brought me even lower.

i'm still trying to bring myself up from that. i have a friend that feels i should seek treatment for it. medication is great for some but i don't think it would be the best thing for me. nor do i believe in drowning myself in drugs and alcohol. being a pisces, i'm a supposed to be a prime candidate for addictive behaviour but i never seemed to catch on to that ( i seem to be the exception to many rules).

i'm here. i'm functioning under the radar most of the time, but i am still here. thank you nasra.

what monotony bred

2006-12-27T19:01:00.000-08:00

it would be great if this job were more mentally challenging for me - load the part, let my mind drift for 19 seconds while the machine does it's job then replace it with another and press the green button and begin everything again another 500 times before my shift ends.

of course, i can't control which way my mind wanders. do i want to clean house when i get home tonight?...damn, a beer would taste good right about now...that new guy has a nice ass...he reminds me of someone i used to know. which, inevitably leads me to thoughts of sex (or lack of, in my case).

what kills me most are the memories of my past lovers. thousands of miles between us and the time that has passed has done nothing to diminish the heat of those moments. just sitting here thinking of them makes me flush with heat. should i tell you how much the remembrance of phil's breath on the back of my neck and his lips on my shoulder blades still make me weak in the knees after all this time? lord, i wish it didn't but it does. do i even need to tell you what the more intimate memories do to me? yes, let's not go there.

and now my mind is stuck on that topic. being flushed with the memory of past orgasms is so much nicer that wondering why i can't find someone here and now who will, at least, for the moment just hold my hand.

it shouldn't be any surprise that my worries seem to pile up when i am hormonal. and now that i'm getting older, it seems to be a lot more often. why can't i cry about not getting that fabulous brown suede jacket or not keeping my room clean? why does it always happen because i feel more lonely these days?

oh, how my mind slips and wanders - i need to call mary back in san diego and find out if she has had any more encounters with mr. fishlips...remove the part, replace it, press the green button...i need to start making jewelry again...remove, replace, press...the catbox needs to be cleaned...remove, replace, press...god, i miss being warmed by someone...remove, replace, press...remove, replace, press.....

new postcards

2006-12-27T18:43:00.000-08:00

october - marilyn stingley died. she's the woman that prompted me to get a bad review in my first three months at the plant. she's also the one who told me three months later that she had heard that i would be the one to replace her as far as being knowledgeable about the parts at work.

november - i applied for a position at the other plant at the end of october and found out that i got it. no more tack weld burns. no more cuts. no more dirty clothes and ravaged fingernails. i'm going to the quality department to be an inspector. i hear the raises are better, as well.

checklist for the perfect man

2006-09-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

these are the lyrics from a song called be there by an irish group called kila. if i had ever had a checklist of what i wanted in a man, this would be it. and no. 1 on my list would be the same...be there.

on the disc, it's done a capella. straight and to the point. i like the song even more now that i've read the lyrics. the first is in the original gaelic. and no, i don't understand a word, although i'd like to someday.

Bí Ann

Bí ann
Bí liom
Bí gasta
Bí cróga
Bí cliste
Bí glic
Bí grámhar, gealgáireach
Bí sochair laistigh
Bí doimhin ach bí éadrom
Gan teannas ar bithI do chorpI do chroíI do cheann
Ins an tslíIna chuireann tú tú fhéin
I láthairI pé comhluadar ina bhfuil tú
Bí ann liom
Bí láidir ildána nuair a chasann an domhain
Bí ann dom
Agus buailfidh muid le chéile nuair a thagann an t-am

Be there

Be there
Be with me
Be quick
Be brave
Be clever
Be sure
Be tricky
Be sharp
Be loving, light-hearted
Be steady inside And be deep but be light
With no tension inside
In your body
In your heart
In the way which you present yourself
In whatever company you happen to be
Be there for me
Be strong and be able
When the world takes a turn
Be there with me
And we will meet together
When the right time comes

© 2003 Kíla Records All Rights Reserved

i'll drink to that

2006-09-16T12:23:00.000-07:00

i was sitting in a bar wearing a bead i had just got in. a small labradorite briolette that had marvelous schiller. it's rather like an opal. it has the same intensity, the glowing and the depth. in an opal it's called fire, in a labradorite, it's called schiller. and this one glowed with a blue green fiery iridescence.

the person i was sitting next to knew that i made jewelry. he asked if i made what i had on.....yes, i did i replied. he went on to ask what kind of stone it was, where i got it and why i liked it.

i'd only known about the stone for about 6 years. i couldn't even recall how i came across it. i began to tell him how it reminded me of diving down deep into the water. how when you swim down deep where it becomes rather gray and murky and look up to the surface where the light shines down through and you see flashes of blue and green. that's what this stone reminds me of i tell him.

you spend a lot time jumping into deep water, don't you? he asked me smiling.

no, i replied, no jumping. the deep end is everywhere. you just have to let yourself fall.

postcards from the edge...

2006-08-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

february 28.... i turned 39. rather anticlimactic, to say the least. the number meant nothing to me. best part of the day was when sarah tied a balloon to a beltloop on the back of my jeans and i had to wear the balloon all night. it's good to feel loved. wish you were there i would have shared.

may 23.....the midget graduated from middle school and i almost didn't get to see it. apparently, one needs tickets to attend such functions here in smallville. even the single, solitary mother of one for whom they would make no exception for. but, thanks to the kindness of one mr. hightower, a janitor there, i was able to watch my one and only take her walk. yes, i was crying the entire time. not only out of gratitude for the kindness of strangers but because my baby is growing up and i'm the only one to see it. who else sees the world through my eyes, i wonder? wish you could have been there...i saved you a seat.

june 13....it is one year since we arrived here in smalltown usa. my apartment is still not painted the way i want it. it still doesn't feel like home to me, yet. tomorrow on the 14th, it will be 10 years since my mother passed away. time is moving too damn fast. if i wear a watch will it slow down?

august 14.....the midget starts high school next week. do i even need to tell how much that frightens me? to get her back for scaring me like that, i'll tell you that her boobs still have not evened out, yet! you're invited for drinks next week when i'll tell you about the sex dreams she feels the need to tell me about! miss you lots.

it doesn't help that i'm half crazy

2006-03-21T07:48:00.000-08:00

the midget came out into the living room saturday morning with a look of obvious distress on her face. i was expecting to hear the latest excuse for why the dishes hadn't been done. instead my dear midget, nearly hysterical, practically screams out, "mom, one of my boobs is bigger than the other!"

i have all sorts of comments ready to escape my lips, but they don't because i'm trying so hard to keep from laughing. i just sit there and do the obvious, i look at her boobs at then at her and say, "yes, i can see that."

midget: mom! will they even out?

me: (giggling ensues)

midget: mooom! it's not funny! will they?

me: i don't know. they might not. (more giggling)

midget: what do you mean? mooom!! you're kidding, right?

me: (shrugging and laughing)

midget: man, the kids at school are going to notice, aren't they? everybody's going to see.

me: hopefully, they don't pay that much attention to your chest.

midget: you'd better not tell sarah, mom.

me: ...laughing

midget: moooooom!!!

me: well, i will be seeing her tonight when we go out. george will be there, too (george is her son, 17 and very handsome).

midget: nooooo!!! you wouldn't?

me: actually, i think it's blogworthy!

she left to her room saying that she wanted to have her boobs done when she was old enough. i asked her who was going to pay for it, she said she was going to. i find that hard to believe since her allowance has been canceled because she doesn't do her chores regularly.

i did tell sarah yesterday morning after work and, of course, i'm telling you. i would never tell george, though. sarah might. i also warned the midget that the more people that knew, the more they would be staring at her chest trying to figure out which one was actually bigger. i don't think she quite saw the humor in that.

can you believe it's spring already?

sing with me.....i'm dreaming of a white easter. yes, i got snow today.

heart removal in OR 4

2006-02-09T09:04:00.000-08:00

the midget was on the phone last night with one of her school chums having a girly conversation asking each other if a certain guy asked you on a date would you go with him. i was in bed just waking up before getting ready to go to work last night listening to their exchange when i hear the midget say that she had made out with this guy five times.

i let her have her time on the phone and then told her she needed to hang up. she did and i asked her when, where, who she made out with five times.

midget: i haven't done that, mom.

me: i heard you tell your girlfriend, plain as day. you said five times.

she knows i can smell a rat. she did. we had another mother-daughter chat and she went off to bed. what makes this whole thing hilariously frightening was the call i had later with my friend, mary, in san diego. she said, well teresa, just think you can live vicariously through the midget.

what i want to do with a man may involve kissing but it involves a whole lot more of something else, something no parent wants to find out their teenage daughter is engaging in.

and, of course, the hilarity doesn't end there. i had a conversation on the job last night with a coworker. we were talking about dating, or lack of dating in my case. she suggested i go out more and make my self "available." i told her about my girlfriend, kellie, who has tried to set me up with any appropriate single guy on her side of the plant and the disastrous results from that (she still refuses to stop looking). i also told her about the guys i dated in the past back in san diego.

latoya: well, what if someone from your past called the maury povich show and said they wanted to get in touch with you?

me: ummm...no!

latoya: why not?

me: mp is a just a step above jerry springer. how many times has that one girl been on the show and still can't find the father of her child? and she's had how many guys tested? nearly 20? oprah...maybe.

latoya: but they do the "finding the lost love" shows. what if the maury show called you with the all expense paid package and told you that someone from your past wants to find you? you wouldn't go?

me: ....no.

latoya: but wouldn't you be curious? wouldn't you want to know who it is? what would you say if the show called you and told you that?

me: i'd tell them that i'm having surgery at that time. i'm having my heart removed, it's too fucking late.

latoya's eyes got really big and nearly fell over in her chair laughing. she got such a kick out of it, she spend her lunch break telling everyone about it.

mathias has a post on his site entitled "vexed." i remember after reading it that i had wanted to post a comment. but i couldn't without getting very personal and very emotional. it was very heartfelt post about his friends and hearing this song by coldplay that he wished his friends could hear and really listen to and hopefully start really listening to each other.

the song is called "fix you." kellie would be very happy if i had someone in my life to fix me. i don't think the man exists anymore, if he ever did. the only person i want near my heart is the one who can take it out. no more wishing and hoping for some man to show up on the horizon. no more pain of loneliness. just empty space. a black hole. and peace.

i'm fine, i just needed to vent.

gung hai fat choy

2006-02-02T12:30:00.000-08:00

my friend, heath, has kept (or tried to keep) every fortune he has ever gotten from a fortune cookie. i'll admit to being a bit of a packrat with some things, but generally not wisdom from a fortune cookie. how many different ways can they tell you that you will have money coming to you or that you will be taking a journey in the near future? too many.

i opened a lovely little surprise when i finished my kung po shrimp the other day. it read: you see pictures in poems and poems in pictures.

this one is definitely a keeper. i'm even thinking of incorporating it into some artwork i'm doing.

a word or two about my friend, phil

2006-01-29T06:51:00.000-08:00

i know i had mentioned some time ago that i would say something about phil, if only because of his bizarre shenanigans, but nothing really seemed noteworthy until now.

phil and i dated for a very short time but still remained friends, friends with benefits. we never went out anywhere together. he would always come over and we would watch movies. either something from my collection or something obscure or strange that he would bring over. most of the movies i have are foreign, sci-fi, fantasy or adventure. i just can't do romance movies and admit to it. i'll admit that i will watch one once or twice a year when i need a good cry, but that's not the point here.

even though phil and i had the same taste in movies, there were many fairly recent releases that he hadn't seen such as pitch black and the chronicles of riddick with vin diesel. we saw those one night. another night i showed him a little movie called moon 44 with michael pare. a sleeper that i had first seen in 1991, i think. it's an okay movie, but for some reason it remained with me and i bought it on dvd when i saw it.

back to phil. time has passed since i moved here to illinois and he moved to seattle to his new job. he has made friends with his new co-workers, most notably, a female, who invited him over one night to watch movies. phil told me he was getting settled on her couch and she pops in the dvd and the movie starts and he starts to get nervous. it's moon 44. he said he jumped off her couch and said that he couldn't watch that with her. she, of course, wants to know why and he tells her that he had seen this with another woman (me) and he couldn't see it with a different woman because it holds too much sentimental attachment to him.

phil said she got up to look for a new movie to put in and grabbed something else that we had seen together. to which, he had to tell her he couldn't see that one with her, either. he told me he started rattling off all the movies that we had seen together, that he could not, in good conscious, see with her. unfortunately, it sounded as if this woman had the same movie collection i do, so phil left.

couples, such as they are, have songs and moments to recall their relationships and their dedication to one another, but a sci-fi flick? apparently, it meant quite a bit to phil. i heartily admit i laughed my ass off when he told me that. but then, it's another one of those strange little things about phil that endear him to me. he, is most certainly, one of a kind.

passing of the torch?

2006-01-22T05:35:00.000-08:00

i went to a benefit last night at one of the local bars for a woman at work on second shift who has recently learned that the cancer she has is terminal. they discovered the cancer a few months ago and she began her therapy and thought everything was progressing nicely. she had expected to come back to work next month in february, but of course, she learned that it had metastasized at an alarming rate and had changed her prognosis.

i try to get along with everyone at work, including this woman, marilyn. one evening, after i had been on the job for about two months, i came into work exhausted and was listening to marilyn tell me what i needed to know about the parts i would be working on before it was time for her shift to leave. i did the dreaded 'eye roll' and marilyn thought it was directed at her. she went to the one of the leaders and inquired if that was my general behavior and the person told her no, that i was nice and very easy to get along with (this is the same leader that gave me the very bad review, and this one incident is what sparked it).

i'm a very sensitive person. i realized what i had done after it happened and cursed myself up and down. i also apologized to marilyn the next time i saw for which she was very appreciative.

i do have a point with all this, i'm trying to get to it. marilyn is a fireball of knowledge and energy when it comes to working on the parts. if there is a question you need answered, marilyn will give it to you straight. marilyn knows it all. her knowledge and experience will be very hard to replace.

last night, out in the parking lot, i gave her some cookies that i had made for the cake walk (i had arrived late) and she told me that she had heard that i was going to be her replacement. i told her i had no intention of going to second shift. she looked me straight in the eye and said "i'm not talking about the shifts, teresa. i hear that you're turning into the knowledgeable one regarding the parts. i hear that you're doing a good job and picking things up fast, very fast." i've got that deer in the headlights look now. i told her that no one at that job (other than the other new leader, jim and sarah) tell me that i'm doing a good job. she said, "they won't. that's how the place is. you keep doing what you're doing and when you're right, you stand your ground. you'll do very well, teresa." i started to get misty eyed and she told me not to start crying or she would, too. too late for that.

i can't imagine work without marilyn. i can't imagine coming in and seeing her toolbox gone. it's still early and things change. i would like to believe that miracles still do happen and that marilyn will continue to live a long, healthy life. i'm trying very hard to believe, if only for her.

as far as filling marilyn's shoes, that will never happen. marilyn's boots should be bronzed and set in our work cell. with everything that has happened in my life lately, i'm still trying to keep my balance. i've been with this company for six months now and i'm just now beginning to feel comfortable with the job. i consider it a very great compliment indeed, especially coming from marilyn herself, to be considered anything like her.

****************

on a much lighter note regarding the evening, many of my fellow employees were quite shocked to see me looking like a woman. sarah and i had taken the time to actually wear something feminine last night. i ran late because i was busy baking all day at sarah's(my apartment has no counter space for rolling dough) and because the copper components i was waiting on finally arrived and i wanted to make this necklace to wear to the benefit. it turned out quite nice. it's definitely a cleavage necklace. it has pale blue-green chalcedony briolettes, teal green as well as a sort of pale green (almost celadon) color of freshwater pearls. i received compliments all night long on how pretty it was. and when sarah would tell them that i made it, they would just stare at me. one woman, marla, looked at me and said pointing at the necklace, "you can do that and you're tack-welding?"

i also turned out to be the highest bidder for one of the guys, rob, at the bachelor auction at the benefit. i have no idea what possessed me to keep raising my hand. jason, my old supervisor, had wanted to bid on rob and use him as a babysitter for his four kids. i'm still thinking about that. people kept walking by me all night wishing me good luck. sarah had suggested we leave a big box of condoms on his tool chest when we see him again with a little note telling him to get his rest! rob's reputation at work as a ladies man is not an urban legend. thankfully, i am not his type and will not have to worry about any overtures from him!

she's at it again

2006-01-14T01:21:00.000-08:00

kellie, that is. the friend who is always trying to set me up with someone. yes, she's still at it. she called one morning after work to ask if she could take my picture(there's a damn good reason you don't see it posted here). in my head all the alarms are going off and i ask her...

me: why would you want to do that?

kellie: because i can. i've got the digital camera. i can come over right now.

me: what's going on kellie?

kellie: what makes you think anything is going on?

me: i can hear it in your voice. who is he?

he turns out to be a guy that works with her. he's been divorced for four years or so who can't make up his mind whether he should build a modular home on his property or start dating again (???). kellie showed up to give me a lift to work that night with her camera. she ambushed me downstairs in the main entry and took a snap. thankfully, it came out rather dark since all you could see were my cheekbones.

kellie and i had a short girls night out and headed to the mall before work thursday night and she told me that before he even saw my picture he decided not to try. he says he's not ready for a big commitment and all that rubbish, to which kellie replied that neither was i. i honestly don't know why men think that all women they meet will automatically start picking out wedding dresses in 3 months. i consider myself informed on the matter now.

my exaltation on the new knowledge was short-lived however when i asked kellie if she intended to quit looking.

kellie: no! have you stopped looking?

me: i stopped looking a very long time ago.

kellie: but you need companionship, someone to go to the movies with and do things with.

me: i have a cat for companionship.

kellie: well, there are other kinds of companionship that i hope you don't use your cat for! i don't want to know...don't tell me!

*******

they say the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. i have come to learn that there is no such thing here in the desert. some days you find yourself walking a new path only to find out that you have been walking in circles with the wind clearing your steps behind you and the sun, that you thought you could tell time with and direct your way, that sometimes can be a mirage, too.

life's greatest mysteries

2006-01-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

i am a woman who loves words. i am a verbivore. you don't know what that is? i'll tell you later. it basically means i like words. like my food, i like them as natural as possible. not processed, butchered attempts at recreating words, but just stringing them together as they were meant to be.

having said that (i will say more soon), i have a bone to pick with the makers of 'magnetic poetry.' they are at the top of my list of life's greatest mysteries. i bought a box of 'magentic poetry for kids' a long time ago in an attempt to get the midget to appreciate the language. she put up things like 'i love mom' and 'home is silly.' occassionally, depending on my mood, she would rearrange the letters to read 'mom is silly.' that obviously, stayed on the fridge for quite awhile.

back to my boggle. i had started this lovely little poem that i will not repeat until it is completed and on the fridge where it belongs. what is it lacking? one word. one little word. one word that never should have been left out of the kids edition, especially. that word is wish.

i purchased a magentic poetry calendar the other day at the book store and guess what? it's not in there, either...ughhhhhh! what is the world coming to when creative kids (yes, me included) can't have the word wish at their disposal. we kids spend many hours wishing for different things (the midget wants her hair highlighted) and i think i've forgotten how because i can't have it to use it!!!!

ah yes, a copy of that rant will be sent to the makers of magnetic poetry..ASAP.

the second of life's greatest mysteries for me also has to do with words. not mine, but allegedly a.c. swinburne's. have you ever had one those little chocolate confections called a 'baci' (italian for kiss)? a lovely little hazel nut suspended in a chocolate cream inside a wafer shell covered in chocolate and rolled in nuts. yummmm. anyway, inside the wrappers are quotes. lovey-dovey romantic quotes that i generally gave to my guy friends to impress their girlfriends with. one of my supervisors, many years ago, let's say 11 years, gave me one to try and i found a rather nice quote by swinburne inside, at least it said it was by swinburne. the quote is ...'hide me inside you where the sweetest things are kept, between the roots of roses and spices.'

as much as i bemoan love and romance you know i'm a sentimental sap. i kept that quote in my wallet for 7 years. i wrote to the company that made the treats to see if they could give me an answer, but i never heard from them. i went to the library and checked out every book i could lay my hands on that contained anything of swinburne's words with no luck. i even tried looking through databases on the internet of swinburne's works to try and find what poem or letter it may have come from, but it still eludes me. i lost the wrapper about 3 years ago but i still remember the words.

these are the things that turn my hair gray, the greatest mysteries to me, in this life. what are yours?

i miss you all so.

tyler wharton, you have a call on line 2

2005-12-30T02:58:00.000-08:00

thankfully, there have been no more attempts of contact from mr. wharton in my dreams. or perhaps, i just can't recall them.

i did do a google search and came up with a 15yr old motocross rider. um, come back in 10yrs or so. i might be ready to do the mrs. robinson thing, then, but i won't rob the cradle now.

i also did a zabasearch as clint suggested and came up with two of them that live in provo utah, one of them born in 1979. that sounds promising but that is all i will do to search. if mr. wharton wishes to visit me again he obviously knows how to reach me.

*****

and yes clint, michael is the friend that i played five words with. he has said that they had a pretty nice christmas. the chow hall went all out and they didn't get shot at too much. that's sounds like a very merry christmas to me.

someone is calling me....

2005-12-27T02:48:00.000-08:00

i would like to think that the reason i am up so early this morning is because my sleep patterns have been affected by my job. in this instance, i don't believe that to be true.

i had a rather strange couple of dreams this morning. the first was a weird one about some of the people at the plant. it seemed to flow into the second one but i don't think they were connected in any way.

the second dream is the one that kept me awake this morning. i'm standing at this checkout counter getting ready to put makeup on layaway(i have no clue why it's makeup, i only wear a tinted moisturizer, mascara and lip gloss) when the cashier receives a phone call. she answers the callers question by telling them that she doesn't know a teresa m****n. i speak up informing her that the call is for me. she hands me the phone and i greet the caller. i hear this very nice male voice say "hello teresa, this is tyler wharton." and then the connection is disconnected and then i'm awake. i could see his name flashing before my eyes, repeating itself. i'm obviously supposed to remember this person's name for future reference. i hope he's not a bill collector or a politician, that would just make it a nightmare!

tyler certainly sounded very nice. and with such an abrupt ending to our introduction, such as it was, i think i'm going to do a little googling this morning to see what might come up.

and no, i've never met anyone named tyler wharton. i would like to know if anything ever comes of this in the waking world. or perhaps, he's my dream man and he's taking things very slow.

i just had a strange thought...maybe i'm like oda may in the movie 'ghost' and i can talk to the dead. oh please lord, not that....please!

oh, and i think the midget sleepwalks. i heard her up and about this morning at a very early time and she didn't turn on all the lights when she took her little stroll.

bah humbug

2005-12-26T14:22:00.000-08:00

that's pretty much been my mood lately. i haven't been reduced to tears this holiday season which has been a plus for me, but it still has not been the joy it should be.

i didn't decorate, at all, this year which is generally a big thing for me. the closest i came was buying a lovely black t-shirt with a rhinestone snowflake on the front to wear to the holiday party i had to go to.

and i just found out that ramona and kellie would like to use my apartment as a rest station for the first night festivities on new year's eve. um yeah, sure. i still have no idea what to make or provide for this and i'm apparently hosting.

i'm not depressed, i think i still have that lost feeling. it seems to linger about and fester occasionally.

good things that have happened recently are few, but very heartwarming for me. first, my friend, michael, in iraq has been in constant touch with me via email. we chat every other day or so and that has made me very happy. he is in one of those hot spots and i cringe whenever i hear the name of the town in news reports or when he doesn't respond very quickly. he is still the same as he was before he left and i am very pleased to read that the war has not changed him too badly. hopefully, it won't at all.

second, we have a new family member. her name is madeline. i call her maddy catty. i had heard horror stories from her previous owners after we had posession of her for a couple of days. i think she was rebelling since her former owner was allergic to cats and really couldn't spend any time with her. his philosophy was that since cats basically take care of themselves he shouldn't have to do more than feed her or clean out her box. i wonder if he applies this methodology to the women in his life, as well! it's my gain. she is very loving and easy to take care of. there was no getting used to the new people phase like some animals have. as soon as we let her out of the carrier, she moved in. she's funny as hell and enjoys spending time watching the pigeons outside my bedroom window for hours when she's not tearing up and down the hardwood floors for exercise! and yes, she sleeps with me.

i wish you all a wonderful, warm, safe holiday season with your nearest and dearest. my love to you all.

i think i shall go out and buy myself some new red lingerie. i hear that's an excellent way to start the new year. an old coworker of mine said that it meant you would find a man in the new year. yeah right, but i would like the red. it's oh so sexy peeking out from beneath a black t-shirt!

and to the blogger who called me a few days before christmas, thank you. it was delight talking to you and i sincerely hope you call again sometime!

"sparks of stars"

2005-12-03T05:36:00.000-08:00

"I would like to send you some sparks of stars that at the moment are waiting over so close to my door. Tiny ones yet glowing and sparking with hope. The hit of rough waters takes its tools on us but hey soon enough the water comes down and we are able to stand. Im sure this calm waters will reach you as it had reached me and the stars are on their way to you too. www.iamnasra.blogspot.com "

nasra left these words for me on the previous post yesterday. i am a child of the water. i would always find comfort in swimming. being rocked in the gentle waves as i swam in its depths. i can't do that here in illinois. i now have to find comfort by drawing a bath and waiting for the fatigue of life to melt away.

my trials have not been great but my life has been exhausting lately none the less. my visions of water have not been gentle but tormenting and drowning. but now we have snowfall and the world is so quiet. the torments are silenced and i walk in the early mornings while the world is dark and still asleep and i see stars at my feet where the snow glistens and i look up and see stars in the sky twinkling back. i am in awe of the conversation between the two and i fortunate to be the type of person who would appreciate, let alone notice, such a thing.

just as i am in awe of all of you who come here to leave me your kind words and considerations. you are all my "sparks of stars" that remind me that the water eventually recedes, that the skies will eventually clear, and that i will, again, be able to see the stars, that have always been there for me, shining brightly.

random thoughts

2005-11-26T04:02:00.000-08:00

i hope everyone had a pleasant turkey day with their family and loved ones. we had a nice day at a friend's house. it was quick and painless and i still have cranberry sauce left over!

my thoughts still keep turning to my friend, michael, who i played five words and exchanged books with. i was looking through a favorite ebay bookseller's page who had an obscure book that michael had given me to read once. i also still keep thinking about the poe book that never came in at the library. i cannot fathom a library not having any of poe's stories in one form or another other than on video!! that was easily remedied, though. i found a bargain edition of the collected works of poe at the bookstore while at work the other day. my daughter has absconded that to get an idea of what real gothic literature is like and not the type that is represented by those lovely haunting kids wearing black all the time.

yesterday was the midget's birthday. it had a couple of downward spiraling moments, but at the end of the day she was quite pleased. she got a cd of her favorite band, simple plan, as well as some other little things with the band on them. she also got 5 new books from the bookstore yesterday. she came into my room last night to tell me that she had read 3 of them already. one of them is the collected narnia stories. i know that will take a couple of days, at least....lol.

we had another surprise last night. my brother called. it was rather awkward for me talking to him. i'm sure he had been able to hear the disappointment in my voice whenever i reached his voicemail and not him when i would call. he asked how we were doing, he asked to talk to the midget and he asked if there was anything i wanted him to check on in storage. i rather wanted to scream at that point. he certainly has a way of making me feel like i've been set adrift with no land in sight. this whole ordeal over the last six months of moving here and starting over with none of our belongings has been a trial of sink or swim. i have to say there are some days i feel i'm barely treading water.

i'm a busy girl

2005-11-20T05:47:00.000-08:00

between working the two jobs and trying to catch up on missing sleep, i have been very busy and very tired.

this morning i am a cranberry sauce making fool. i am making it for three events coming up. i have to make sauce for 62 people for the church luncheon today at about 11. i haven't even started yet. i have to make more for work for monday night and i need to make some for the actual turkey day at a friend's house and she will have a house full, as well!

and, if that isn't enough, i am having a craving for cranberry orange muffins. so, at some point, i will have to make those, too.

i am good, the midget is good. she is getting an A in math which is a miracle for her. she has worked so hard for it. her birthday is coming up the day after thanksgiving and i would like to do something with her, though i'm not sure what yet. we saw the new harry potter movie yesterday and liked it. she, especially, got a thrill from seeing harry get into the tub. no tushie shots but you get to see him bare chested. she was quite delighted about that and i ribbed her about it.

what else is there...hmmm. nothing else at the moment. my friend, phil, called last night and said he would want to come out for a couple days next month near christmas. what he says and does are two very different things but i love the thought. my brother hasn't even called us once, not even to say hello.

i know that you are all very busy with your families with the holidays and what goes on in your daily lives. i just wanted to let each and every one of you know that i am thinking of you all warmly and that i wish you well.

love to you all, teresa

reminiscing

2005-11-06T04:37:00.000-08:00

i was just at GEL's site and she has a list of her favorite buttons. number 3 says "everything i need to know about life i've learned by reading banned books". that brought my mind back to high school when, as a junior, i was given a list of books that we were going to read that semester provided our parent signed a permission slip authorizing us to.

every one of the dozen or so books on the list were by american authors and considered controversial. books like johnny got his gun, slaughterhouse five, the jungle, and so many others i can't seem to recall at the moment.

what bothered me about the project was that i didn't think my mother would approve of the assignment and refuse to allow me to participate. i'm sure you can guess what i did. yes, i forged her signature and i read every single one of the books and received high marks for each one.

it wasn't until many, many years later, sometime after my mom passed away, that i realized that she would have signed it with out hesitation. not because she would have thought it would be good for me to read them but because we come from a family that likes to read and she would have never impeded me from doing what i loved, especially at school.

i, like many others, didn't have a lot of money growing up and there was no such thing as disposable income. every single penny went to something we needed. i would put books at the top of my very short christmas wish list and i received every single one i asked for. i remember one year that i had asked for the collected works of shakespeare and of poe and i received them both, among other things.

money is tight for me now, as well. yet, i try to let the midget know that if it is books she wants, i will try to jump the moon to get them for her. she has read her share of controversial books for kids her age such as, go ask alice. she read that a few years ago and read it again this year for her class. i read it when she first brought it to my attention those years ago when she wanted to read it. i had heard about it and knew of its contents and wanted to read it first before she did. we had a conversation about it before i handed it over to her with my blessing. i am fortunate that her mind is keen and thirsty like mine is. i am not thrilled at the fan fiction that she also likes to read but that is her preference and she is reading, so my complaints are nil.

it still amazes me that people feel that a book can harm them or threaten them. i simply cannot fathom that rationale. i, quite frankly, never want to. expand your mind a read a banned book today. wasn't the bible banned in some non-christian countries hundreds of years ago?

i can find no words of my own at the moment

2005-11-06T02:39:00.000-08:00

my mind is tired and i have had nothing substantial to write about this week. and that includes news of the new guy. he wasn't able to make it to breakfast because he had to take his daughter to a town about 80 miles away to have blood drawn for an upcoming surgery. he's a good guy.

i have spent a few waking hours walking around the neighborhood snapping pictures of sugar maple trees that have turned yellow. there was one particular tree that just stopped me every time i walked by. it's the one that prompted me to buy the disposable camera and start taking photos. of course, by the time i had the camera, the tree was bare! but there are plenty more here. i'm trying very hard to curtail the urge to lie down beneath one of the trees and snap some pics up through it's crown. i know i would definitely get some looks then. i'm trying very hard to control my wild western ways that these midwesterners just don't understand.....lol. at least, that's what they attribute it to; i act strangely, so it must be because i come from california.

"time in itself means nothing to me.
time is on the wall.
there's nothing you can do
to stop the dance in you,
sometimes it's run walk crawl."
**from 'whether or not' by sinead lohan.

i hope all of you have a very good week. amias, i hope you feel better soon. mj, i hope you come back to us, even if it is only briefly. irina, have a great time in spain! and to the guys....try to be good!

i will be here watching the fire in the sky as the trees hold on to the last jewels in their diminishing crowns.

occasionally a cold breeze blows through hell..

2005-10-30T08:10:00.000-08:00

that's pretty much my feelings for the past three weeks or so at work. it has been absolute hell. and the performance review i received this week proves it. it appears that they only graded me on the past three weeks or so when the new supervisor took over. she and i didn't have the same rapport that i had with the previous leaders and it showed.

my little breeze from the drudgery of my working hell has been that i now have a second job, for the holidays at least. when i moved here i had applied a bookstore chain here for an assistant manager position. i didn't get it, but the manager and i got on very well and have chatted since on the ocasions when the midget and i have been in the store. my progeny and i were in the store last weekend when the manager made a beeline for me and enquired whether i would like to work part time for them. i said yes. why not? i love books and to able to get them for a small discount around the holiday season is a blessing for me.

what other good things have happened? hmmm...should i mention i may have met someone? he doesn't work for the company i work for. he's 10yrs older than i am. and like sc, he is a harley rider. some mutual friends told me about him last thursday and they put a bug in his ear that he needed to come to breakfast on friday to meet a certain female. he showed up and we chatted. he even came over to the bowling alley afterwards to watch my co-workers bowl with me. i told him i hoped that he would show up next friday for breakfast. he said he definitely would. he also said that he would like to do something next weekend. so, i have that to look forward to. someone wants to see me. it's a nice thought and at this point in time, i need all the nice thoughts i can get.

now, don't go saying anything too optimistic. i'm not feeling any sparks or major chemistry, at this point. at least i'm opening my mouth and not shutting people out by clamming up and being shy. that's a big step for me. let's not even bring up the 'l' word, okay???.....lol.

tumbleweed daydreams

2005-10-22T03:30:00.000-07:00

amias tagged me and here it is. i mentioned fiction. and here it is for the most part. i've never been able to write anything without letting something of myself get into it. you decide if it actually is.

here are the guidelines:

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your Blog along with these instructions. (Line 4 Changes by PC: Instead of simply posting the sentence, you must write a new post incorporating and highlighting that sentence.)
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

being alone does strange things to the mind. you begin to get emotional when you see couples cuddle, even the sound of them arguing is enough to bring tears to your eyes sometimes. that has, more or less, become my predicament. i have disconnected myself from pretty much anything having to so with the opposite sex or of any thought of any warm interaction with them. that said, i still find myself feeling lonely sometimes with no one to connect with even on a friendly level.

lately, i find myself thinking about someone that doesn't exist, a dream man, as it were. in my mind i write notes to him and he writes back with snippets of poetry from famous poets who have said what he can't seem to express to me himself. these mental exchanges are intense and lively, but of course, i know that they will never be real. like the man himself, i can only imagine his scent rising from the heat of his skin when he is near me and it makes the loneliness so much more bittersweet.

i had a job interview last week and all i could think about was what bit of love would my dream man send my way. something by cummings perhaps, or neruda. or maybe he would be in a flowery mood and send a sonnet from shakespeare. like a kid caught daydreaming in school, i answered the questions from the interviewer after only hearing the last few words. i must have done something right, they called me friday night to offer me the job.

so now, i am back to writing anonymous love notes to no one and posting them on bulletin boards around town. much like that story by louis l'amour of the woman who wrote down the poetry of her loneliness, tied it to a tumbleweed and let the wind carry it away.

tag you're it!

mj
paul
irina
clint
steel cowboy

bonus point if you can name the book by louis l'amour and name the actors from the movie!

i've been tagged

2005-10-15T07:10:00.000-07:00

yes, amias tagged me. i'm thinking on it. i can't believe how much i have written in the past few months. over half the entries were made since my decision to move from san diego.

i have found my target and i'm thinking.

this tag isn't some radio receiver that will let you know how much i weigh or shock me, right amias?

oh, and a quick update regarding scott. kellie asked him if he was planning to call me. he said he was trying to work up the courage to. what the hell am i? some sort of black widow? oh my!!

apparently he was concerned that there may not be any 'spark' between us. kellie asked him why there should be one if you're just going to be friends. he was worried about getting involved too quickly, getting burned, etc. kellie reassured him that i am in no way in the mood to tie anyone down (well, we'll talk about that later ;) after what i had been through. he said a few other things that i will tell you later if you remind me.

yes, i'm thinking hard. i may have to come up with some fiction. that's how hard i'm thinking.

the leaves are beginning to turn, ever so slowly

2005-10-15T06:08:00.000-07:00

during clean-up this morning, i swept up a few oak leaves that had blown in at some point during night. there were just a couple of them but i know there will be more soon. the leaves are beginning to change and fall from the trees and the wind has finally started to get a bite to it.

i generally like this time of year. for some reason i have become a bit melancholy because i miss my friend, michael, with whom i would exchange books and play the five words game. autumn was his favorite time to break out the gothic literature, especially poe, and point out particular stories for me to read.

i've read most of poe's stories, but i confess that i still haven't read michael's favorite, the gold bug. it is a bit of a break from poe's normal gothic horror. apparently, it is a detective story. in honor of my thoughts of michael, i shall go check it out at the library today and read it. i think he would like that. i think perhaps i shall find out if they have any other gothic fiction to check out. i'm sure there won't be any ravens rap-tap-tapping at my chamber door, but i do have a nest of birds in one of the eaves that keep bumping into one of my windows when they try to land in it.

michael is somewhere in the middle east, i believe. which means he may get to check his email once a month if he is lucky. i hope he is safe and returns home to his family soon.

***************

i've finally purchased the paint to do the bathroom with. it isn't quite what i wanted but it will do. it just means i will have to work a little harder to get it just the way i see it in my mind.

i've also purchased some plastic wrap to start weather-proofing the apartment for winter. i feel like i'm wrapping the midget and i up to stick us in a freezer. here's hoping we don't get freezerburn! this is another thing that should have been in that manual that they could give to foreigners like me who move to the midwest.

i hope you all have a good weekend.

euchre

2005-10-09T08:38:00.000-07:00

it's pronounced 'yooker' and it's the game that everyone in the midwest plays and they are fanatical about it. thankfully, there weren't any of those types at kellie's last night when scott came over to play.

and thank god, there wasn't any pressure to be too nice to scott and it wasn't hard to be nice to him, either. kellie did keep telling me later on after he left what a great guy he is and how he will go out of his way to help someone in need. doesn't she know by now that i don't ask for help?

i had only one, very large margarita and some of my black bean dip. the midget and i got home and i called dibs on the movie for our late night viewing, of which i promptly fell alseep as soon as it started. that's about normal for me. if i can't fall asleep, i turn on a movie and i am out.

it rather reminds me of a quote by groucho marx who said, "tv is very educational. whenever someone turns it on, i go into the next room and read a book." something like that. i've just made a purchase on ebay with that quote. i can't wait to get it. it's a wonderful funky altered book collage and will fit in nicely with my somewhat wonderful, funky little life.

have a good day all!

i've been set up

2005-10-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

yes, it involves a man and no, kellie assures me, is it a date or any sort of romantic involvement. she just wants to help me expand my group of friends here in town. okay, i can handle that. she then goes on to ask whether i am going to clam up like i did with greg (one of the guys she set me up with when the midget and i came to visit her years ago). hmmm...i would certainly hope not now that the idea of a "date" has been erased.

i explain to kellie that a certain chemistry has to be present in order for me to open up to an individual. but, it's just friends, teresa, she says to me. then why is she giving me a physical description of him and letting me know that he has been divorced for a year or so with two children? ...**sniff**...**sniff** what's that smell? ahhhhh...a set up!

i hope scott (that is his name) doesn't have certain expectations. i really would like to be just friends, at this stage. and i have gotten better at not clamming up when i feel uncomfortable. i am learning to just put a smile on my face, be very polite and honest when i say no thank you. i am also learning what heath (and too, too many others to list here) has been telling me for years, you are a smart woman, open your mouth and let it out. those aren't his exact words, but it's the jist of it. i get nervous or uncomfortable because of a great many things like not having a college education, not owning a business or home, not being of a certain social standing, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

before you say a word, yes, i know that these are things that i shouldn't worry about. that if these people were any one of consequence that they would accept me for the person i am and not the one they would like me to be. i'm getting over it. the move here has really done something to me, it truly has changed me. heath would truly be shocked and proud of me. i seem to open my mouth a lot lately. what comes out isn't always fit to print but it is lively, intelligent, humorous and people are noticing.

so, back to the set up. tonight, we are playing cards at kellie's house. we shall be having margaritas and whatever munchies yours truly can come up with from her kitchen. i'm thinking of a black bean dip to go with the margaritas, what do you think?

and p.s....let's not even start with that dreaded four letter word beginning with L, shall we?....lol.

my dear amias,

2005-10-02T09:43:00.000-07:00

i am quite fine. i certainly hope you didn't think that my time away from my blog was due to any lingering feelings for you know who. no, i've been having problems with this machine that kellie has lent to us. it's very slow and can be tempermental and i am occasionally forced to take little vacations away from the web. it kills me that is usually seems to happen when i have a bid in for something on ebay.

i have mentally and physically washed my hands of that man. i don't need the cancer of hating him to eat away at me during work so i just don't bother. we actually had a pleasant conversation yesterday morning at work. he hasn't tried to call me and i'm sure as hell not about to pick up the phone to speak to him!!

my time has been spent envisioning what i want on my walls. my life is still in storage in san diego and here i sit 2,000 miles away wondering what to do in the mean time. first, i need to paint. the previous tenant put a beautiful chocolate brown on one of the walls in the entry room and then put a dark mustard color on the rest of the walls in that room. she also put it in the master bedroom. ickkkk. the rest of the walls in the apartment are a nice neutral color that i will keep. the bathroom is a periwinkle blue...not for long. and the midget's room is the same blue which i'll keep. it goes well with everything she has.

thankfully, it won't be too much work. i already have an idea of what i want in the bathroom. kellie keeps suggesting wallpaper border so that i won't have to do any accent painting. i apologize to those of you who love wallpaper. i don't particularly care for it. i prefer a neutral wall and adding personal touches along the way. to me, wallpaper and border can just make things too busy. i'm going to have to take pictures so that you can see the progress. maybe i shouldn't have said that....lol.

i did purchase a dining room table and four chairs second-hand on friday. i had seen this small round table that i wanted to put in the first entry room (that shall be my library...some day) with a couple things on it. well, the table sold very quickly and the clerk was showing me some other things in lieu of it when i spied a dining table. hmmmm...yes the midget and i need one of those and it has chairs...what a bonus. it's now set up in my bare dining room. but, it's there. the midget has already declared that she hates the cushions on the chairs (another mustard yellow concoction), of which i agree. those, i told her, would be very easy to refurbish.

as i said, in the very beginnning when i first told you about the apartment, it needs a lot of work....and so do i. i can feel things, little by little, coming together and creating the home i want here for the midget and i. just as, little by little, things that bothered me in san diego don't seem to exist here. i'm still alone, but that may never change. i still don't have the energy to hope for something that may never appear. i, obviously have so much to do here and now to have to worry about that, as well.

yes, amias, i am fine. i am busy creating a home and cultivating my new friendships and seeing myself and the midget grow beyond the confines of our own little worries and fears.

thank you, amias, and the rest of you, too. your love and concern have touched me deeply and profoundly. you will never know how much i care for all of you. bless you.

is that your final answer?

2005-09-26T05:54:00.000-07:00

teresa: yes regis, i think so.

regis: you wouldn't like to use a lifeline or phone a friend?

teresa: no regis, i can do this on my own.

regis: okay then, for ultimate peace of mind in the matters of leonard, would you (a) take him back if he came crawling, (b) have sex with him if he came calling (c) flirt with him at work or (d) slam the door in his face?

teresa: hmmm...that's a tough one regis. i'm going to choose (d) slam the door in his face.

regis: is that your final answer?

teresa: yes regis, it is.

regis: you are absolutely right!! you win ultimate peace and closure from leonard. how may i ask did you arrive at your answer?

teresa: well regis, a little bird (named sarah) told me today that leonard told her all about his fabulous weekend with another woman. this other woman that he had been seeing while he had been romancing me. it was also my first guess. they always say to go with your first guess, it's generally the correct one.

regis: well, you did a fine job playing our game today.

teresa: thank you for having me regis. (i'm so happy that leonard will never make the same boast!)

there you have it folks. leonard is a cad. he's a lot of things but i don't wish to keep thinking about him. ickkk....garbage. i wish you all could see the smile on my face. i am so damn happy right now. no more wondering, no more hoping that the damn phone might ring. no more leonard from my lips or fingertips!

i think i shall go take a walk in the rain and jump in some puddles!!

it was just a mirage

2005-09-20T08:14:00.000-07:00

last night leonard came over and we had a wonderful time. he brought a bottle of white wine and we sat on the veranda and talked for hours. an incredible storm blew in and we watched as the visibility went from miles to just a few feet in front of us. we also watched as the lightning flashed vertically and horizontally against the sky. some point after that leonard kissed me. and then he kissed me again. very soft, tender kisses filled with underlying passion. in fact we did a little necking on the veranda after the storm. it was quite nice.

not long after that we went for a drive. i thought it was just to get cigarettes for him but it turned out to be a tour of all the houses that he has worked on and renovated over the years. he also showed me the two bedroom house where he, his parents and six other brothers grew up (that was a houseful to say the very least). he showed me the house he has his eye on right now because the house he's in has too many painful memories. he showed me some of the land his mother owned in town and some of the places where he would work or hang out at when he was young.

doesn't that sound like a wonderful time to you? it certainly did to me. i still think it does, but now i'm left wondering if it even happened; if maybe perhaps i just dreamed it. i question myself because after the drive leonard started to feel uncomfortable. i can certainly appreciate that given his circumstances at the moment. then he went on to say that he didn't want to give me any false hopes for the future and that he didn't feel right about pursuing anything with me. and just like that it was over. he didn't even say hello to me at work this morning.

the gentleman who kissed me last night was a mirage. those tender kisses and the nice embraces with the man who made me laugh and gave me the nickel tour of the town were just illusory. it was all just a mirage.

my days in the desert continue.

and, of course, there is leonard...

2005-09-18T05:15:00.000-07:00

leonard and i have still not had a date. what we did have that first weekend was about 7 or so hours on the phone. and the number just keeps climbing.

leonard works first shift and i work third which can make things difficult. throw in the fact that he is waiting for his ex-wife to sign the divorce papers as well as his growing fondness of me but his fear of being hurt. and don't forget to add his kids who aren't sure what to think. yes, lots of hurdles. it's a good thing lenny is in great shape.

things are progressing slowly, which is very good for both of us. leonard calls me every afternoon when he gets off work (usually waking me up) and we chat for a few minutes and then he generally calls later in the evening and we will have a longer conversation until it's time for me to get ready for work. he called one day this past week waking me up and asked if i could venture a guess where he was. i guessed that he was downstairs at the building entrance waiting to be let in. damn, i'm good, score one for me.

leonard has been over twice. both times we have sit out on the veranda and just talked. he has not held my hand or tried to kiss me yet, but he has fixed my bathroom door and put my towel rack together (because i didn't have the tools for it). he did let me give him a hug for being so handy.

there is so much to learn and so much for both of us to overcome in our personal lives. i have been divorced for nearly thirteen years and in all that time i'd never dated anyone i could get serious with. i can see that changing with leonard and it scares me. not because i think it's happening too quickly (because it isn't), but for the reason that i never thought i would let another man in. he and i both have trust issues. leonard thinks i am the poster child for calm and cool. what i am is a master of camouflage.

i like leonard. i like the way things are progressing slowly. i need that and so does he. so many things have changed since moving here. i never gave it a single thought that meeting a man would be one of them.

welcome back stranger

2005-09-18T04:05:00.000-07:00

this grand adventure of moving to another state has not been without its share of self doubt, pain and general wondering whether i've made the biggest mistake of my life and the midget's. slowly, but surely things are beginning to fall into place and i can start to breathe and relax.

i am a hard woman to be friends with sometimes. i keep so much inside and hidden even from those who know me best and love me the dearest. i'm trying to open up and talk about the difficult things. quite frankly, once the words escape my lips they sound childish and stupid, hence the self-enforced silent treatment, i suppose.

i have mentioned sarah's name back in the "stalker" post. she was the one that told me that leonard had asked her about me (i have since found out that leonard has asked a lot of people at work about me). during our conversation that night i made a quip that stopped her dead and she just laughed and said, "you must feel comfortable around me to say something like that."

sarah was giving me a lift home from work saturday morning and she asked me if i was adjusting well to my new life here in a small town. i told her of the problems i had with kellie and how that alienated us from each other for a short time and how it made me feel like i was so alone in this small universe. that i would look out from the veranda and i could not see my place here in this town and i wondered how long i would be here. all of us want to be comfortable with our surroundings and know that we have friends who will appreciate us for the good and the bad in ourselves. and i didn't feel that i had that here. for quite a while ( not just my time here) i felt like i was an automaton just going through the motions without getting to enjoy what i was doing.

i hemmed and hawed and by the time we got to the curb of my building, i finally had the courage to tell sarah how i felt about her. i told her i didn't want to sound sappy or too sentimental, but that i needed to tell her how much she has saved me from being alone; that her kindness to me was not unappreciated or unnoticed and how much it has meant to me. i let her know that when i am with her i am not uncomfortable or uneasy about unleashing the real me. the one hidden away with the wit and easy laugh. i laugh so much with sarah and we talk about a lot (especially one certain man).

i can't begin to tell you the last time i saw myself like this. i think it was with my coworker, eron, back in san diego. i am so happy that this part of me is back. i always knew something was missing but i could never tell exactly what it was. it became unnerving to look in the mirror and not quite recognize myself, to know that some part of me was gone. that i had become estranged from myself.

i thank god for sarah. she brought the wanderer back.

yes, things are coming together here in this small town. kellie and i are getting along much better. the midget is doing well in school and making friends. work is work but the people there make it a joy to go in every day. i have a wonderful new friend and, of course, there is leonard...

lenny steps up....pt 2

2005-09-11T02:05:00.000-07:00

my apologies friends....you will not be reading about what a wonderful time lenny and i had out while i tried to keep from falling asleep on him. although, i have a very strong impression that he's the cuddling type.

sadly, we didn't get to go out at all last night. the phone rang right after the midget and i took our walk last night and it was lenny telling me that we wouldn't be able to go out. his daughter had called him and wanted to know if they could have a family meeting that evening. lenny said she sounded rather cryptic and wouldn't tell him what it was about. i told him i understood and said that if it wasn't too late in the evening when it was finished that he could give me a call and come over and we would have some wine. he said yes before i could almost finish.....lol.

we spent the next hour and half or so on the phone again. i know this because my daughter put a movie in when we got home and when i got off the phone with leonard (his full name), the credits were rolling. he didn't call later, which was a blessing for me, i fell asleep not long after getting off the phone with him!

things are progressing nicely with him, but i am still wary. everyone says that he's a very nice man, but he's not well liked around the jobsite. we shall see......

i'm going to make some rosemary olive-oil bread. i am in the mood to bake. i should send you the recipe amias. it would be perfect with your tea.

lenny steps up to the plate

2005-09-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

i am often asked (by mostly married men, it seems...who knows why), "why aren't you with someone?" how do you answer that without making yourself sound without? i had finally settled on the response that no one was looking for me. it seemed appropriate enough, it still does.

i have to say that they could put me on the job that would put me in the darkest corner of the factory and lenny would find me. such was the case the day after i posted about my "stalker." jason, my supervisor had been joking with me that lenny should be coming in any time to make his rounds and stop to chat. five a.m. rolls around and no lenny, nor was he there half an hour later or even an hour after that.

yes, i admit it. i wanted to see lenny. it's nice knowing that someone takes the time out of their busy schedule to see you. it certainly doesn't hurt that he's rather handsome either. anyway, seven a.m. rolls around and he comes up behind me and lightly runs his fingers up and down my back, says good morning and continues his rounds. ahhh that was nice.

he comes back fifteen minutes later and scares the crap out of me while i'm scraping wax off the floor. this time i get a little hug. not too close, just side to side, but it was nice. i had seen him do the same with others there that he has much more of a rapport with so it didn't really look too much out of place. that was much nicer. i leave work with a smile on my face and jason asking if lenny found me. ummm yes, he did.

so, this morning i'm watching the clock. i'm waiting for lenny to come walking through with his cup of coffee and ball cap that he only wears on saturdays (i notice everything). today he would really have to hunt to find me. they put me in a small room checking for cracks in the parts using a light wand. should i mention that the room was dark? i guess i just did.

lenny doesn't show...at all. i can hear the people in the next room who came in at five a.m. (when lenny was supposed to come in) say that he hadn't arrived yet and that he hadn't called anyone to say that he was going to be late. this isn't good. i finish my work and do my clean-up and go outside to leave when i see guess who standing next to his truck on his cell phone. my other supervisor, chris was giving me a ride home so he drove up to where i was and stopped. lenny opened the door and closed it for me. i looked at him and wanted to say something. he was obviously upset about oversleeping and i believe he was on the phone with his boss so, i didn't say anything.

what i did do was give him a call at work about an hour or so later to make sure that he was fine. i asked if it was a bad time to talk since he kept responding in monosyllabic words with that short, terse tone. he said thanks for calling and i hung up thinking okay, i did my good deed for the day.

amias, mj...this is for you. guess who calls me around noon to thank me for making that phone call and ask me out tonight? yes, he did and yes, i will.

we had another long talk about the troubles with his ex-wife, the midget's dad, as well as some parenting and life issues that he has had to deal with since the divorce. yes, i plan to introduce some new conversation topics to the man as soon as possible! suffice, to say, we were on the phone for over an hour and a half.

i haven't slept yet. i won't be able to sleep before going out tonight because of things i promised the midget we would do today. and of course, my domestic duties need to be addressed. i told lenny not to take it personally if i start to yawn tonight. he laughed. that's a good start, i suppose.

he said he credits me with making the first move. if i hadn't called him who knows how long it would have taken him. i guess it also doesn't hurt that i'm listed in the directory. yes, lenny came looking for me. he's probably not "the one" if there really is such a thing, but it's a beginning. and we all have to start somewhere.

there's a poem by pablo neruda called 'your feet'. it was one of the many famous love poems that he wrote to his mistress, at the time, mathilda urrutia. it also happens to be one of my favorites. i'm certainly not confused with the issue of love. i really do know better. this is, after all, only the first date. we could end up hating each other before the end of the night, who knows. but i love the end of the poem so that is all you're getting right now:

"But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me."

i can't believe i'm actually going to say this. i think it's time i was found. maybe not by lenny, but it's time. this rapunzel has been much too long in the desert.

heath does not come from heathen

2005-09-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

my friend, heath, back in san diego is the one who got me to start blogging. i hemmed and hawed and dragged my feet because i had this horrible fear that someone might actually read it. heath constantly kept telling me that you need to write, you should write...here, it's easy. and it was, until i couldn't think of things to write about. there was nothing spectacular happening in my life. the midget and i breathed in and out every day. what's so great about that that people would click on my page and read about it?

he loves to argue, hates to lose and will keep up the barrage of rebuttals until your head is spinning or until you capitulate. his intellect is absolutely dizzying, to say the least. his command of our language and its vocabulary is incredible. i always feel warm when he compliments me on something i've written. all this, and more, from a man who says he has only read 50 books in his lifetime (actually, that's 51 heath, remember the hemingway i left you?).

as is said, heath, got me here. he got me hooked on playing 'five words' with another friend of mine, michael, which burst the dam on my creative writing. michael and i changed the game to suit our needs and our tastes as time went on. michael is a big fan of gothic literature so we had 'five words of a gothic tone' and later, we had the 'adult' version of the game, as well. that was certainly an interesting game to play!

i mentioned in an earlier post that there are many things i miss about san diego, heath is at the top of that list. i miss him the most because he kept me mentally stimulated. i need to find that here where i am now. someone to interact with face to face and sustain each other's creativity.

there are so many things i could tell about the time i spent with heath. i think i will save those for another time. and perhaps i will open up more and share about the others in my life i care so much about.

love ya schweetie!!

"teresa, i see you have a stalker now"

2005-09-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

my supervisor, jason, uttered those words to me this morning at work after lenny had spent the better part of an hour hanging about my work area. i asked him if sarah had told him of our conversation before and he said no, every time he turned around and looked over at my area lenny was there, either chatting with me or floating around trying to look busy inspecting something....anything. jason said there was absolutely nothing subtle about him. it absolutely transcends funny.

lenny disappeared for the next hour or so and then came back half an hour before i was scheduled to leave. the last half hour of any shift is clean-up before the new shift begins their day. so, i grabbed a broom and a dust pan and proceeded to start sweeping around lenny (who has never been there during clean-up before).

i finished my work station and moved on to the grinding area to clean over there when lenny comes up behind me (yes, he startled me...again! i'm buying the man a damn bell!) and asked if i had a home phone (would it be an assumption on my part to think that he might have wanted my number? hmmm....i wonder) he said something about a cell phone and i said that i have both so that my daughter can reach me when she needs to. he understood me to say that my daughter had my cell phone and that he didn't know that school age children could have phones. his youngest is a senior in high school, some one please tell me that sounds like bull to you!!

we exchanged a few more words and i heard him say that he would consider giving his cell phone to his daughter and i turned back to finish cleaning and made a comment. when i turned back to him, he was gone.

someone with the appropriate testosterone levels please tell me what that was all about!!! shall we start taking bets now on what will happen next?

stay tuned to find what happens in the next installment...does he or doesn't he?....will she or won't she?

p.s. lenny did smell very nice this morning. i would like to think it was for me but i know better.

Ghosts and Manifestations

2005-09-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

March 1, 2001 was the last time that I saw Andy. He had came in to check out and move on to his next duty assignment. I can't begin to describe to you the emotional turmoil that raged beneath my skin. I forgot how to talk, I forgot what I was supposed to do and, of course, my knees had to give out. I honestly don't know where the strength came from that allowed me to complete his check out and get him out the door. Apparently not enough since I still had his check out sheet in front of me; something I was supposed to return to him once I had signed off on it. I tracked him down and gave it back to him and was rewarded with a thank you and a warm hug goodbye. Again, this undefinable strength appeared as I struggled to get back to the office before I burst into tears. I cried for days.

I realize that there is much that I'm not revealing here. Andy and I never dated, were never intimate, never even talked on the phone for that matter. The majority of our interaction was in the office when he came in to conduct business or when we saw each other in passing while I was out on a walk. He did ask me out once, but nothing ever came of it. He also scared the hell out of me once, on purpose! I think that was what did me in. I remember that when ever I would pass him on my walk he would always shake my hand and spend a lot of time talking with me. I recall a particular moment where I told him that my hands were sticky from a pear I had just finished, he didn't care. He shook my hand, sticky juices and all. I could go on and on. There are so many little things, but what I remember most was his big, warm engaging smile. It was the first thing you saw and it just hypnotized you. You couldn't help but smile back, even when you wanted to cry.

it has only been until recently that he has haunted me like that. He had crept into my dreams sat there and watched me. Not a day had passed that I hadn't thought of him at least once. There were times where it was more than that. I had tried to locate him and had sent a couple notes asking him how he was and inquiring about the postcards he promised to send. I had received nothing in return. I don't even know if he ever received them.

My friend, Heath, told me recently that he believed all these thoughts of Andy were a product of my subconscious. These manifestations, he said, were caused by the belief that I consider myself unworthy of love. That my subconscious puts forth these shadows of Andy because he just happened to fit its needs to torment me.

I touched upon this with Heath again later and he didn't remember saying that. He said that I should try again to locate him. Mary agreed with him, as did others to whom I had confessed this to.

I wanted so much to let it go. To be free of it. While it's a pleasant torment, it's still a torment. I know that my happiness is here and now and not trapped with a memory. It just didn't help that this particular one lingers and that I have a very long memory.

*
i wrote everything above back in april, late april. it has been sitting as a draft this entire time. i had it posted on my blog for about 30 seconds then changed my mind and kept it a draft. i've thought about deleting it many times and decided to delete just his last name.

about a week after i wrote it i found out that andy had been stationed a mere thirty miles away from me. him being in the military it was easy to locate his work number, so, yes i called him. he was polite, charming and kind enough to let me have a few minutes of his time.

we talked a number of times on the phone and exchanged emails after that. he told me that he lived just a couple miles from where i was living in san diego at the time. he promised we'd meet for coffee and, of course, we never did. i thought he was being a cad and let it go.

when i made the decision to make the move i sent him an email. one of those 'i don't know why i bother, because i know you don't care' notes. i think i may have even used those words. i received a phone call from him five minutes after i sent it. he was calling to let me know that they were out at sea training on an aircraft carrier ( i want to know who his cell provider is). he kept saying that he needed to get off the phone but he also kept asking me questions about why i was leaving.

i left because i needed a change. yes, mj, because i needed the adventure of it. that's exactly what i told my daughter to soften the shock of the sudden move.

i, for the life of me, could never be able to tell you why i thought of him as much as i did. i'm certainly not one who's prone to such things. i didn't talk about it to anyone until about two years ago. who wants to admit that you think about a person you may never see again? i didn't. why i did or why i'm telling you this now is beyond me. maybe i just don't want to censor myself anymore. sometimes you have to share the things that scare you to make them go away.

i miss certain things about san diego so much i could cry some days. i don't miss andy anymore. that ghost did not make the trip with us. it has, most thankfully, been laid to rest.

i am no longer the weakest link!

2005-09-02T12:09:00.000-07:00

many thanks to mj for making some suggestions on what to do to create the link list. i, of course, took the difficult one and actually had to insert one into the template. it wasn't too bad, though. thankfully, i'm not that much of a technophobe.

i now have a few favorites listed. i need to start reading more again. clint seems to have disappeared from the earth. i think he may have deleted his blog, which is a shame. i hope you come back soon, clint!

when you visit steel cowboy please make sure to check his list for "the horseman". it's a story he's writing very, very slowly. i've left comments about that fact...lol.

i'm so proud of myself i could spit.

lenny alert

2005-09-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

well, things have certainly picked up where lenny is concerned. lately he had been rather quiet or nowhere in sight. no more than a quick nod in my direction in passing, if even that. i had assumed that he checked me out as kevin suggested and decided that i wasn't worth his attentions, that is, until yesterday morning.

lenny let it all hang out yesterday. i got the "i thought you were 25" line from him. his eyes got real big when i told him my age. i just wanted to laugh. i know he's trying to be charming, but even farm boys can come up with better lines....lol. he also apparently forgot my name, which i can almost believe. i keep my keys in my back pocket with an initial keyfob hanging out of the pocket. he came up to me and asked what the "t" stood for and i tried to feign indignation at him forgetting my name. he took a guess and almost got it right.

he did share about his troubles with his soon-to-be ex-wife. he was most emphatic about stating that he never wanted to be married again (that's okay lenny, that's my wish too most days).

he came by to chat with me a few times yesterday morning and i even got a friendly hand on the shoulder when he walked by. i found out from one of my coworkers, sarah, that lenny had approached her at one point during all this and asked what her thoughts were of me. it seems to me that he is getting a bit more bold. she told me that at work last night that he was intersted in me. apparently the rest of the plant will know soon, as well.

and yes, he made the rounds this morning, too. i got the hand on the shoulder again but it wasn't accompanied by the obligatory "good job" that i received yesterday. this morning i got a warm hello. sarah says he's definitely flirting. i'm inclined to agree. i hadn't seen much of him before. now i keep seeing him every time i turn around. he also seems to be in the general area of the main exit when i leave in the morning so he can always say goodbye.

i'm rather torn at this point. i've heard good and bad things about lenny. i'm also not one who likes to date within the work area because of the complications that may arise and lenny could make big complications if he wanted being in a management position.

i don't intend to worry too much about it right now. he's still just flirting, he might not go any father than that. i have to get some wine. i need something to go with all these cheesy lines he keeps giving me! okay, maybe a beer, lenny's lines aren't that sophisticated!

oh my, the very young man at the movie theatre had better lines than lenny's and so much more subtle. the midget picked up on it before i did..."mom, that was guy was flirting with you!"..."no he wasn't"....."mom, please, he wants to do more than butter your popcorn." what can you say after that? who knew it would take so long for me to bloom?

if these lips could talk...

2005-08-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

please people, you know what i meant!

i was wandering around after taking that romance quiz and found this one...yes, it's all true, my talents are wasted!

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

don't tell anyone i did this!!

2005-08-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

i went wandering to mj's today and she's feeling romantic. she left a quiz and, of course, i went there. i am a woman. we are, by nature, made to be romantic and want romance to enhance the intimacy with our partners. i think i have been far too long in the desert alone. i hear the word romance and begin to regress to a 10yr old...."ewwww romance! that's icky!!".

but as i said, i went there. i have to say that the last part of my answer is rather true. some days i'm not just thirsty, i'm suffering from dehydration.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

home, sweat home

2005-08-28T05:54:00.000-07:00

yes, i meant to put sweat there. it would figure that the day i decide to move the weather would go up to nearly ninety with very high humidity. but, as you can see i have survived. and yes, the midget is alive and kicking as well.

the apartment has many, many windows but wouldn't you know that only two of them can actually let air in! all the others have storm windows in them and there is no air conditioning. that, i will save for next summer's buying. i'm sure i can sweat through another month or so without one. fall is coming, things will be cooling down and i have a couple fans to provide some relief.

there is a strong possibility that the midget and i may have the rest of our things from san diego by next month. my friend, phil, is going to a comic convention in boston later in september and has kindly said that he would drive our things out and then fly the rest of the way. phil has a tendency to say yes and then forget or have something else come up, so we will just have to wait and see what happens on that topic.

phil, himself, is quite a character. i'm not sure what word i could ever use to describe him other than unique and even that comes out with a sarcastic twist, albeit a loving one.

i know i said in an earlier post that i would write more about phil but now doesn't seem to be the right time. either i haven't had enough mocha (my first, this morning, in the new place) or perhaps my mind is not ready to gush forth what i would say about him. it's always better not to force these things, at least for me anyway.

and now something just for the fun of it. mbains left a comment on the last page and i, naturally, went wading through his. that just sounded so very, very intimate. i hope it was good for you, michael! he has two pages, one a social commentary and the other is very light-hearted that he shares with another blogger that may be his daughter's (she's 11). i found this little ditty on the same quiz page that ashley had found one from.

the midget has expressed an interest in having a blog. when things have settled down here in the new place i will offer it up and get her started. many of our more humorous conversations lately have ended with the midget telling me, "don't even think of putting that in your blog, mom!" frankly i would have, but sadly i have forgotten them with the rush of life in the past few days.

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

my vagabond life is nearly over

2005-08-23T09:48:00.001-07:00

i have had such a very long summer and it's not even over yet. it has only been three months since i made the decision to move to illinois, but it has taken an eternity to pass. my hair is ever so much grayer. i'm actually thinking of coloring it. i'm only 38 and i'm thinking of coloring my hair. i think i shall be completely grey when the midget starts dating. damn, i'm scaring myself!

back to the reason i'm here. so much has transpired in the past few weeks that has put a strain on the friendship i have with my friend, kellie. most notably has been the fact that i have not been able to find a place for the midget and i before her house closes in escrow at the end of this month.

i thought that my brilliant plan of moving to the midwest would have no problems, that i would find employment right away and that i would be able to find a nice charming little place where the midget and i could grow in our new environment. was i being too delusional? or was i just hoping that for once luck might be on my side? things have never been easy for me. i take strife as a matter of course and get on with it, but this whole episode left me spinning and reeling with no sense of direction. it took kellie to sit down and talk with me the other morning, letting me know that i'm not out here all alone and that the midget and i wouldn't be on the streets if we weren't able to find a place in time. yes, i am extremely grateful for this wonderful friend of mine. kellie also reminded me that we have been friends for 17 years. i had thought 14 or 15, but no, i did the math and she's right.

i hate being lost in this fog. if i can't visualize myself happy here and thriving, then i will be lost. i know it has a large part to do with my independence. kellie and her family have given us everything, but if i can't get out from under their roof i will never be able to clear my head.

my stress has been in large part due to the dire straits that prompted the midget and i to leave san diego in the first place. a landlord that wanted to renovate for condos by any means, like eviction. that's the kiss of death if you're a renter. no one will rent to you unless it's in a neighborhood so horrible that even the insects wouldn't stay (roaches being the exception, of course). i don't want my child to grow up in a place like that or anywhere near it. unfortunately those were the only places in san diego that i could almost afford. housing out there is so disgustingly expensive that i couldn't afford a roach motel for my daughter and i. thank god i didn't decide to stay and try to find one.

where am i going with this...most of the good things that i have come across have come at the last minute. i have had to wait and stress and put off worries of doom and gloom before providence would be kind and give me what i needed. yes, she has taken her sweet-ass time again, but she has graced us. the midget and i are moving into a spectacular apartment in the downtown area of danville. it is in an old brick walk-up building with three floors. of course, we're on the third floor. it has all hardwood floors and huge windows. i think it dates to the turn of the century and it's mine. we move in this weekend. the realty company that manages it has offered to let the midget and i stay there free until the 1st of the month since the apartment hadn't been cleaned properly and i said that i would clean it up myself. they had originally offered to take $50 off the deposit in return for cleaning but this kind turn deserves a handmade christmas card. another card will be sent to my previous landlord in san diego who kindly told the new ones that i am a good tenant and didn't tell them of the eviction. i am blessed.

providence knows me well, i can't resist old age charm. it needs a lot of work. but then, so do i.

i've been ambushed

2005-08-20T08:31:00.000-07:00

my friend, kellie, and her coworker, kevin, have my best interests at heart, i'm hoping they do anyway. last saturday near the end of my shift when night becomes morning and first shift rolls in to begin their day, i was startled at my work station by one of the first shift supervisors whose name is lenny. i know this because he made it a point of coming up to me and introducing himself, handshake and all. i had been working there for two weeks and had seen this man a number of times previously but he took no notice of me...until now. i'm sure you can imagine where this is going.

normally, i wouldn't think anything of a supervisor coming up to introduce themselves to the new people other than the fact that i am not on his shift and none of the other first or second shift supervisors have introduced themselves to me. yes, it's like that where i work.

kellie had also mentioned when i started working there that men would be paying much attention to the new female at work because i'm "fresh meat," as it were. there is no atmosphere of sexual harassment here, everyone is relaxed. yet, when someone walks up and makes it a point to say hello and chat you sort of have to wonder. i know i did.

i told kellie about lenny approaching me. i told her that i had asked him who was on duty for cleaning parts because i had items sitting in there for a couple of hours and i needed them. of course, lenny offered to clean them, which he did. he even went the extra mile and brought them back to me when they were done. all with a big smile on his face (he does have a nice smile, though). he came back a little later questioning whether i was processing the parts properly. he pulled one of the parts and asked me to follow him to inspection to find a completed part to verify against. he satisfied his curiosity and said that they were fine and that i was doing well (don't i feel like the good lap dog now?). i knew the parts were correct and you know very well that he did. kellie laughed when i told her this, we both had a good laugh and she said that he basically was just checking out the new female.

that's not the end of it, though. the next morning after work kellie and i were talking and she said that she had told kevin what had happened to me at work and kevin told her that he had told lenny to check me out. lenny had apparently been lamenting to kevin about how he couldn't find any nice women to go out with and kevin told him about me. "why lenny, there's a nice new woman on 3rd shift who's just moved here from california, she's very attractive and has big boobs." the last item seems to be a big selling point out here in the midwest ( i should have moved out here years ago). i'm getting this third hand, of course, because that's what kellie told me kevin said.

so kevin sicced lenny on me. please don't misunderstand and think that i am put out by all of this, i think it's funny as hell and i'm actually rather flattered. i saw lenny this morning and we chatted about work briefly, he seems to be a nice man. i really have to give lenny credit, though, when he introduced himself to me he was looking me in the eye the entire time. just like he did this morning during our conversation. i know that must have been very, very difficult to do.

we'll see what happens. i'm not into flirting on the job and lenny seems to be very professional, as well. i'm still busy trying to find a place for the midget and i to live in by the end of this month and she starts school this next tuesday. my plate is full and i don't remember ordering that much. can i get it to go, please?

2005-08-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

someone wanted to know what i read on a daily basis. i have to say that it varies tremendously on what the mood is or what the library has out in front of me.

two weeks ago, i reread all the of the stephen king gunslinger books up to volume five. i have the two final books on hold at the library and will pick those up tomorrow.

currently though, i am reading aaron's rod by d.h. lawrence, and persian letters by montesquieu. i am also on a philip h. dick frenzy. if you are not familiar with him, pehaps you may be more familiar with the movies that have been made from his books such as the blade runner; which is loosely based on the book, do androids dream of electric sheep. paycheck, minority report, and imposter with gary sinise are other movies that were made from philip dick books or stories. i am reading the stories listed here as well as four of his novels and a compilation of some of his short stories.

i do have my moments where all i want is fluff, but thankfully, they are few and far between. i tend to lean more towards erotica for those moments, anais nin being a favorite.

i am also rereading an interesting book called the chess garden by brooks hansen. i like this book with its allegorical tales of the antipodes and the companion pieces to the letters that show up "mysteriously". there are a couple of the tales that just made me cry.

and last but not least, i am reading a little cyber-punk novel called sewer, gas and electric: the public works trilogy by matt ruff. quite an unusual read. if you're used to the genre he reads like neal stephenson without all of the involved backstory and history and anything else that stephenson could throw into his imaginative books.

i know clint says that reading is for sissies or girls. i am no sissie, but i can, on a good day, be considered a girl.

oh, and the midget has been picking up some good political anti-utopian novels geared for the young adult as well as some buffy the vampire slayer, angel, sabrina and dawson's creek books ( as if the shows weren't enough) and a series of books called everworld. these are by the same author that did the animorph books, k. a. applegate.

yes, she takes after me in the reading department.

maybe i'll post what i'm reading next week!

by the way, if anyone knows how to create a link list on the side of the blog page so that i can create a list of you wonderful people out there, please let me know, my sleep deprived befuddlement is upon me and i can't think straight. good night all!

"she works hard for the money...."

2005-08-12T09:22:00.000-07:00

yes, i hear donna summer running through my head all the time now. i'm hoping to be able to start something resembling a normal life with my work hours soon. in the past week i have been able to get a few errands done in the mornings after work; running to the bank and then to the store and, in between, waiting for the bus. i've been able to stay up until about 2 o'clock in the afternoon before heading to bed before my shift.

keeping my body up in the morning hasn't been too much of a chore, keeping my brain alert is quite another matter entirely. the longer i stay up after work, the more foggy i become. thankfully, i have the mommy override which always answers no to any question it doesn't quite recognize or understand. the midget could be asking me if i'm going to make dinner soon and i will say "no, i'll do it in a few minutes." now, i realize this makes no sense but it helps in the moments the midget thinks she can take advantage of my befuddlement to ask some question she knows i would not agree to if i were completely awake, such as "can i get my allowance out of your purse?" the midget would never steal but i wouldn't put it past her to dig for change at the bottom of the purse or play with my lip gloss or play with the cell phone (a big no-no).

days like these it's hard sometimes not having another parental unit running interference. it's hard for other reasons, too, but we won't discuss those...ahem!

yes, i work hard for the money...so hard for it honey...i work hard for the money so you better treat me right!

what can i say, i'm not not jennifer beals by any means, but i'm just so darned cute in my steel-toed boots and jeans!

the midget has just come in from mowing the grass, she's sweaty and filthy. she works hard for her money, too. we're good, work is good, still looking for a new place to live and still have not heard from the brother back in san diego. i hope all is well for all of you.

baseball....no longer a dirty word

2005-08-07T05:39:00.000-07:00

the midget and i went to the season ending game of the danville dans last night. it was the second game that we had been to since we've been here. i think i might be able to love baseball again.

i grew up playing baseball with my brother. i could hit a lot of triples and i had a mean fast ball standing on the mound. i went to the padre games with my brother and his little league teammates. i remember the big hulking mass of goose gossage up on the plate. i remember rollie fingers and his curled mustache. i remember dave winfield and the winfield pavilion, which is what they called the very cheapest seats beneath the score board that faced west. i remember when the stadium was called the san diego jack murphy stadium, instead of the new commercial title the qualcomm stadium, or the "q". but then, they don't play baseball there anymore because it isn't big enough. says who?

baseball has no longer become about the game. that idea died a very long time ago. the days of me being able to afford to take the midget to a game in san diego (when we were there) are, of course, long gone. i've never even seen the new "petco" park in san diego where the padres play now.

last night we got to watch the danville dans struggle through beating the springfield rifles 9-0. the last time we saw them play together, the dans creamed them easily, 21-1. these are college kids from around the states that play summer leagues with hopes of getting signed by a major team. there are a couple players from the university of san diego. one is named justin snyder who seems to be a favorite in the stands. the coach kept shifting the players around on the field, and whenever justin's name came up we heard a lot of cheers.

none of the boys are on steroids. you can see that easily. they all basically play the game to play it. they want to play baseball. that's what i miss about professional baseball. it's not about the high ticket prices or the astronomical food, drink, concession, parking, souvenir prices. it's certainly not about the temper tantrums between players and management about how little the signing bonus is or how much they are getting paid. they could probably care less if there was anyone in the stands to watch them play as long as they got their paycheck. that sort of takes the fun out of the game rather quickly, especially for me.

i'm rambling again. since i've spent all this time rambling about the financial parasites of baseball, shall i tell what the impact to my wallet was last night? for nearly every game you can get free tickets from whomever is sponsoring that evenings game, which we did. i had a 12oz. amber bock, $2.00; a soft pretzel with spicy cheese (it was good), $1.00; and a bag of not so good peanuts, $3.00. and the midget had a root beer flavored snowcone for $1.00 (i like the black cherry flavor, myself). wow, grand total is a whopping $7.00. the general admission price for tickets is $5.00. i think the midget would have been a dollar. i'm not sure what the cut-off age for kids is. had she worn an athletic jersey, she would have gotten in free, for any game. so, had i not had free passes for the game, i would have paid either $13.00 or $17.00, total. that's a beer and a dog at the major games isn't it? the most expensive dog at this park is $3.00 for the chicago style and it is loaded. five bucks for a beer and a dog! i think sodas were a $1.50 - $2.00, at the most.

it's not just about the money, it's about the attitude. they want to play baseball and it shows.

one last ramble before i leave. these games, as well as the local college and high school baseball games are all played at the danville stadium. it is an old wood stadium built in the 1940's. it is all wooden bench seating with the steps placed to far apart so that someone short like me has to take her time going up the steps or trip everytime. it's also very hard on the posterior region and on the lower back. now you know why the 7th inning stretch was created!! if you have seen the movie "babe" featuring john goodman as the legendary babe ruth, then you have seen the very stadium i am talking about. apparently the makers of "a league of their own" were also considering filming here as well when they were scouting for locations.

yes, i miss baseball. i miss the boys of summer. next summer i will be prepared. season tickets here don't come with the hefty "need to get a second mortagage" price tag, they are only $30.00. can you believe that?

there's always a method to my madness

2005-08-05T06:26:00.000-07:00

my only response to my child's ear shattering verbal assaults of "mooooom" is to tell her....."when you grow up you will be just like me....only worse!"

can't you just see the eyes growing wider while her mind contemplates the future? yes, she's running scared now!

Mooooooooom

2005-08-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

the midget has been sitting here with me in the computer room impatiently waiting for me to get off the computer and go to bed so that she can surf the net. i went to check my email and found the comment from paul regarding the midget post. she saw the word "midget" and immediately asked in an accusatory tone "are you writing about me?!" "i am not a smurf, mom!" i didn't say she was, now did i? "mo-om! stop talking about me!!!" i, personally, wasn't aware that the word mom could be dragged out into that many syllables, who knew?

work is good, i'm good. the midget's vocal range is improving every second! i'm off to bed now. i have to be ready for work tonight.

she's always a midget to me

2005-07-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

irina had asked old how my midget was, she's 12. i have always called her midget but not necessarily for the obvious reason that i am taller than her. not by much, which she reminds me of every day. though lately she's been walking up next to me trying to see if she can see over my head. i know she's waiting for the day she can squeal that she is no longer the short one of the two of us. i can't wait to tell her not to get too excited; that's probably as tall as she's going to get! and since i stand at the dizzying height of 5'3", i'm sure she's going to be having nosebleeds from towering an extra inch over me!

that wasn't the only reason that i called her midget. every one wants to have a nickname. something special that only a parent calls you that no one else can. all the cute ones seemed to be taken and, quite frankly, did not fit with our little family unit's way of thinking, and they just didn't sound right when you said them out loud.

i think i started calling her midget in the fall of 1995, right about the time she turned three. my mother had been diagnosed with a particularly nasty little cancer called spindle carcinoma just a few months before. i can recall that my mother hated it when i called my daughter midget. i told her that it just seemed to fit. she seemed more like an adult in the body of a toddler than most children her age. my mother let it slide. i think i even heard her calling my daughter midget a few times. i know my dad did, he thought it was funny.

i keep digressing. blame it on the work schedule i have. blame it on the midget for giving me her cold and dealing with all the lovely body aches that attend it while at work. the one memory that stands out clearest for me was when my mother was at her worst, just a month or so before she passed away in june the following year. i knew my mother was going to die. i felt so helpless. i recall coming home from work one afternoon and just sitting on the couch with my head in my hands crying. i didn't know what else to do. i tried to stop. no one wants to cry in front of their children. and you certainly don't want to have to drain yourself even further to come up with some little white lie about why you're crying in the first place. thankfully for me, my daughter didn't ask. instead, my 3 year old child came up to me and put her arms around me, patting my head and telling me that everything would be fine, that she would take care of me. out of the mouths of babes. as a parent, i have a glimmer of hope that my child will grow to be a good person.

i don't know what the world will call my child when she's an adult. i'll be 95 and still calling her midget. some things just fit.

work, work, work

2005-07-26T06:22:00.000-07:00

yes, i'm working now. i'm working 3rd shift in a light machining factory here in danville. 3rd shift here means 11pm to 7:30am. i have just finished my second "day" on the job. i have been home for about an hour and my daughter is still asleep, can you believe that? my wrists are sore and so are my thumbs (please feel free to leave any salacious comments below). today i tack welded end caps onto a part. the woman that showed me how to do it made it look incredibly easy and she was so neat and precise with her welds. i, obviously, was not. i got very frustrated but persevered. at the end of the shift we had finally completed the order that we needed to do. the night before we were able to get a number of orders finished that didn't involve tack welding. i was very content about being productive my first time on the job. at least after this shift, i can say that the order was complete which also leaves me with a certain feeling of contentment.

the job is good, the people are very nice, the older guys like to stare at my breasts, and i haven't fallen asleep once. i haven't quite gotten the hang of switching my sleep time. it's tiring to say the very least. my midget is awake now. i'm going to harass her for a few minutes and head off to try and finish my book or maybe fall asleep....whichever comes first is fine by me.

things not to do in a storm

2005-07-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

as i've mentioned, i'm new to illinois and to the midwest in general. i'm thoroughly enjoying all of the thunderstorms. we didn't see as many as we used to in california. but then, of course, our thunderstorms were never quite as severe as the ones out here.

two nights ago, there was a doozy of a storm. kellie called to let me know that it was on the way and that she was going to try and get to work before it hit (not quick enough, apparently since she won the wet t-shirt contest on the way into work that night). i remember looking out the sunroom window at the dark clouds while i was on the phone with her. i could see the underside of them folding in upon themselves and thought to myself, "hmm, that's interesting in a dorothy and toto sort of way."

not long after that i was upstairs in my room and i heard a siren. the wind was blowing and the lights were flickering, so i headed downstairs to collect the flashlight and candles to distribute throughout the rooms upstairs where my daughter and i were. she was in her room with a good book and i settled in mine with my book. i fell asleep upstairs listening to the thunder and lightning crashing around in the sky.

kellie asked me the next morning how we were during the storm. i said, just fine. she asked if i had heard the siren and i said that i had. i thought it was the fire department. she asked if i went into the basement and i asked why? see, they really need to give a manual for these sorts of things when you move to another state! when you hear the siren during a storm like that, it means to seek shelter in the basement, immediately!

i now know. stay tuned for more pertinent information that i will learn, after the fact!

ladybugs from hell

2005-07-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

there are certain things you must adjust to when you move to a new area. relocating into the midwest has almost been like moving into a foreign country. i have to remember that you can't have most plants all year round like in california. i miss having rosemary in my kitchen for cooking purposes. i can only get a few sprigs wrapped in cellophane in the supermarket here for $2.50 a package. what cheek! you would think that the summer weather here would be perfect for rosemary. i need to keep searching.

another thing i never would have expected, something that i have never heard of before are yellow ladybugs that bite. apparently, at some point near the end of the summer or during early fall, building windows and any other openings are bombarded by the kamikaze cousins of our cute little red ladybug. i have seen the evidence of their past skirmishes littering the window ledges and doorways. little yellow shells, paled by the sun drying out into tiny dry hulls. i now know that this is not some corny urban legend set up to pull the leg of unsuspecting new transplants such as myself. my only question now would be is there some sort of protective charm to ward them off from biting you like garlic is said to work with vampires? i'm almost looking forward to my first real season with the tiny terrors. stay tuned to see if i survive my first swarming, biting ladybug attack!

and the latest news...

2005-07-20T07:41:00.000-07:00

busy, busy, busy just sitting here waiting. i had an interview with the factory that kellie works for last thursday. it seemed to go very well considering i have absolutely no machine experience and my stellar resume corroborated that fact. it seems they loved me anyway. they called friday night to offer me the job. they were so sneaky about that. when the interview was finished i asked when i could expect a call regarding the outcome and he said next week, probably wednesday (today) or thursday. when my girlfriend got off work friday morning, she spoke to one of the gentlemen i interviewed with. he told her not to say a word to me about it, but that they decided to hire me before i left the building after my interview. yes, kellie kept the secret. she told me what had transpired after i received the call from the factory. suffice to say, i had a much better time at the harry potter book release party downtown on friday night.

what other news do i have? i have to move again. my girlfriend's house sold over the weekend. when it rains, it pours. that's fine with me. at least this will be the last time for quite a while. i won't feel like such a vagabond any longer.

i need to start mentioning my friend, phil. he and i became acquainted in december of last year. he's quite a character, one that deserves a whole page of thought and not just the few lines here. i mention him now because he is the only one who has been calling me from san diego. in fact, i think i hear from him more now than i did when i lived there. i find that rather funny!! can someone please explain this to me?

phil is the only one who calls, but i have other friends, such as mary, eron, heath, michael and others, who email because that is more convenient for them. i would never want them to feel that i don't appreciate their contact. their delicate tendrils of love and communication are what's sustaining me out here and i will accept them in any form that they are given. and no, to those of you who are questioning, i have not heard from my brother at all.

i believe the daily news is complete. i'm going to wait for the personnel office to call so i can finish my paperwork and start my new job. i'm also going to the pool today. it's 90 degrees out already and i would love to take a dip in a cold pool. have a good day!

"hope, dangles on a string..."

2005-07-13T08:08:00.000-07:00

Paul got me thinking about love. i have to say that it is my least favorite thing to think about, romantic love, that is. i love my daughter, even during these terrible pre-teen phases where she questions me about it constantly, and i love my brother, the true-to-life stinging scorpio that he is. i love all of my friends hands down with no question. but i don't know if i could ever love a man again.

there have been times over the last few years where i have been open to having a man close for companionship, but i haven't let anyone closer than that. i can only take things a step at a time. i've just recently started thinking hopefully about things without the jaded harpy vision to cloud and distort. that emily dickinson poem that begins "hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul" always reminds me of a harpy. a big, ugly bird that screeches and taunts "and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all." how's that for imagery?

what has transformed the harpy into a stalwart harbinger? a necklace. it's strange how the things you come across in life can soften and alter your perspective of things. i saw this necklace and the harpy got scared. it's a simple thing made of glass and metal and has the first quote above on one side and a feather on the other, but for some reason it had power over the harpy. it was made by a wonderful artisan i found on ebay named janna who also has her own website.

i haven't done a complete turnaround where matters of the heart are concerned, but i have softened. i know that it takes time and effort...and a little hope to hold on to.

and then...

2005-07-11T04:46:00.000-07:00

...the waiting begins. i should say it never seems to end. i have been here for a month so far and have not yet found a job. the girlfriend that i am staying with is moving into a new home this next weekend. kellie and her husband have asked if the midget and i would stay here in the old house until it sold. i agreed to it because i thought i would have no problem finding a job. now, my nerves are beginning to fray.

i started to cry last night over the salad at the dinner table and had to excuse myself for a few minutes. the midget was concerned and curious. she kept asking what i was crying about. it being that time of the month, i got away with saying that it was just hormones. she knew better but she didn't press me about it.

how can i tell my daughter that our money is nearly depleted and that not having a job just compounds the problem? that's something i don't like to talk about with my daughter. i didn't expect a welcoming parade when i moved here, nor did i expect a job waiting for me to make the transition easy. nothing in my life has been easy. this whole episode has been a testament to the poor choices that i have made as an adult. it's up to me to make a right one...and soon.

things here in danville have not been bleak. i have met some wonderful people who have been very kind. kellie's friend, ramona, has offered me her parents washer and dryer for free. ramona also has news about different jobs that are available in the area whenever i see her. she always says to tell them that ramona sent you. it helps to know people who have grown up here with everyone else in town! kellie's coworker, kevin, is the same way. kellie came home one morning from work with a newspaper ad with job listings that kevin had highlighted. kevin also sold us a queen size bed for the midget for only $20.

my life isn't horrible. i am blessed with wonderful people around me who care. most notably, kellie. i will never be able to repay her for the kindness that she has shown the midget and i. i know kellie would never let anything bad happen to us. my concern is that it should be me who takes care of that.

on the family front back in san diego with my brother, he has not called at all. i left him a message when we arrived last month on the 13th. and i called him again the next day to be sure he received it, which he did. his only comment was that he would be ready to come out with my things when i can send him the money for the truck. that was it. that was all he had to say. why am i not surprised?

i'm tired of whining. shall i tell you what i like about this place? people drive slower than they do in california. they still have places to go like they do in san diego, but they know that the job or whatever else will still be there without having to rush. the 4th of july fireworks display lasted about 45 minutes, which is practically a marathon for me. the midget and i went with ramona and her family to a golf course to watch the show. fireworks in san diego are synchronized to various clear channel radio stations and last 15 minutes, at best. but, my favorite thing so far are the lightning bugs. i love sitting outside in the evening just after it gets dark and watching the bugs flicker in and out as they fly around. yes, i'm a sap.

closer to the prize

2005-06-07T08:37:00.000-07:00

my brother and i finally got together last night and moved my things from friend's garage and into a storage room. it took about two hours total. i had to endure a couple of barbs from him and then he realized how upset he was making me and tried telling corny jokes to make me laugh. it was too little too late for me. the only words from his mouth have been criticism. he can't ask a regular question, it has to be laden with criticism and in that tone that bows my shoulders and makes me want to scream. of course, i don't. i don't want to fight with my brother, even if it is to vent. he never seems to listen to anything i say and every other word from his mouth is about how he's taking time out from his life to help me out and i should be more grateful.

i am looking forward to my new life. i will miss my brother, i love him dearly, but i won't miss this.

my daughter are leaving san diego and california this friday, the 10th. we will be arriving in illinois on monday, the 13th. my brother, hopefully, will be bringing our things out in a couple weeks.

always look forward.....thanks cowboy!

eastward ho!!!

2005-06-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

after i had my daughter i went back to work. i discovered a wonderful little coffee shop on the way that i would stop at before and sometimes after work. it was a narrow, long place with a small used book shop in the back. it was called cafe mesopotamia and it was the first place that i had a mexican mocha.

tara, the owner, hired young people, mainly students who were artistic and kind. especially to a wallflower like me, who generally tends to be invisible and not at all comfortable with small talk. it was heaven for me just to sit down with my new favorite drink (still my favorite) and just listen to the voices around me and watch the artwork and the faces that would come and go.

i loved this place for many reasons, mainly the people, tara, eric, erin, bridget, paul. but i also loved the brick wall. tara would let you buy a brick for $5 and you could decorate it as you chose. i never did it. but i will never forget this one brick. it was painted to look like a nebula with a few planets thrown in. alpha-bet soup letters painted yellow were glued to the night sky and spelled out: "i am the dream of my ancestors this is my life's work".

this had affected me in some profound manner and i could never identify why. i still can't. i just seem to think about it more now that i am moving my little family east. my english ancestors arrived here shortly after the mayflower and settled in watertown, mass., the irish came prior to the revolutionary war and the german side crossed ellis island sometime in 1879. forces brought these people together in michigan and here i sit. i am the dream of my ancestors and i haven't a clue what to do next. my ancestors literally built this nation, began their westward migration for a new life. so, why do i feel like i'm retreating for heading east? or am i just returning to the ancestral cradle, as it were?

the chinese believe that everything begins in the east. your front door should face the east to allow good fortune to come your way. every day begins in the east with rising of the sun. it's time for me to find something new, not a fortune surely, but something good would be gratefully appreciated.

this move has exhausted me mentally, which is why you get this new drivel. maybe i just need a nice glass of wine. i think i need to hit trader joe's before i leave and pick up a bottle or two and pack them for the humid days to come in illinois. i make a great sangria, regular and white. white sangria sounds crisp and refreshing for humid evenings sitting on the porch. damn, now my mouth is watering.

2005-06-03T07:38:00.000-07:00

my last day at work was yesterday. i can't begin to say how surprised i was about the outpouring of wishes and goodbyes from the different people i have worked with. one, in particular, is a woman named dolores who is not known for her sparkling personality. she called my office yesterday afternoon to say goodbye. she said she was surprised to hear that i was leaving and wanted to wish me well. she went on to say how much she enjoyed working with me and that she would miss me. i rather lost it there. dolores will spend a lot of time on the phone with you and then your supervisor over some small matter and your ears will ring for a week. thankfully, that is all in the past.

my supervisor, stanley was kind enough to give me a ride yesterday with the last of my things from the office. i took with me a couple of books and manila envelopes full of decorations that a former coworker and i created together. we made seasonal decorations and would put up something new every month. i think stanley was surprised that i took them. i know he thought it was a chore to get the ladder and put them up or take them down, yet, he'd always ask if i was planning to put something up. our customers loved it and got used to seeing the decorations up for each holiday or season.

stanley is the last of a dying breed. he would not let us climb the ladder, he would give me a ride home if it was raining or if my daughter was sick, and he would never make you feel guilty if you had to call in sick. he is the type of man who always has something to say on any topic. when all of this started and i had to give my notice he was stunned...absolutely speechless and tongue tied. he wrote me a lovely reference letter for my new job search in illinois and has made sure that my last few days at work were as painless as possible. he is a very kind man and supervisor that i have made sure not to take advantage of at work. he is literally the type that you could walk all over. he's smart enough to know this. i think he only allows it if you come to work and actually do your job. well, stanley surprised me when he dropped me off. when i was getting out of his car he handed me an envelope. i told him i couldn't accept it. he said to take it and give to someone who could then. i said thank you and goodbye and went inside and sat down. my friend asked what was wrong and i said that my supervisor had just handed this to me. i opened it up and found it contained $200. now it's my turn to be shocked....and to be extremely grateful for all the wonderful people who i have had the pleasure to work with and those i have had the pleasure to know.

the universe is hesitating

2005-06-01T14:07:00.000-07:00

i swear it's not me. my daughter and i are completely packed and moved out of our apartment, as of last monday on memorial day. our lives have been boxed and stored in a friend's garage until my brother is ready to go. i was hoping to leave on memorial day, but my brother had financial concerns about being able to pay his rent, so my daughter and i are waiting patiently until the end of this week when he will drive us to illinois.

did i say patiently? sorry, i meant to say painfully. my brother can't tell me that he will miss us. he can't tell me how sad he is that we are going. all i get is what a great inconvenience this is to him and his bills due to the work he will miss. i love my brother. he's all i have left. our parents are deceased for some time now and i didn't want our goodbyes to be filled with anger. i know he's worried. i wish he'd just come out and say it instead of shooting me with the guilt arrows. if there is someone out there who wouldn't mind driving my daughter and i to illinois in a u-haul, could you please volunteer now?

and have you checked the rates for a one-way trip with u-haul? over $1700. yes, that's right. that's pretty much all i have left until i get my final check from work with my unused vacation attached to it. my friend, mary, suggested that the midget and i travel by rail taking some of the boxes with us. it would be $266 for both of us and 10 of the boxes. i could have the rest shipped at amtrak's rates, which would be $49 for the first 100 lbs. and $.46 for each lb beyond that. the only stipulation being that each container must not go beyond the 3'x3'x3' size guide. this idea makes me breathe a little easier, but it still doesn't answer the question of who will ship my things.

i haven't slept much during this whole ordeal. i have been trying to eat whenever i could force something down. my nerves have created an acid pit in my stomach and i am forced to take multiple time outs with a cigarette so i don't bite my child's head off. i'm trying to remember to breathe and relax.

i still have a long way to go. there is the task of finding a new job and a new home for my daughter and i once we get out there. i know my girlfriend, kellie, is welcoming us, but i still feel like i'm imposing. rather like a bull in a china shop. i didn't want to show up with drama, i just wanted to arrive and let everything fall into place (no, i'm not deluded enough to think that life is like that all the time).

i'm surprised about how calm i am about the move itself. i can't wait to be on the road, to be away from here. it shocks me to think that the next time i may visit california will be as a tourist. i think it pains me more, actually, that i have to move because it's too expensive to live here. thankfully, i don't wear flashy, obnoxious florals.

advice about men from a 12 yr old.

2005-05-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

i'm still packing. still going through things and, of course, shredding lots of old bills. i came across a note that my daughter received from her classmate, joan, on how to solve any problems you may have with a man. i should try this.....though, i should probably find a man first.

Do you have troubles with men? This [sic] KEEP this paper: This is what you oughtta do:

1. Get a strand of his hair (if his hair is unpickable then get a pen or something permanent he touched for a while. it has to be personal).
2. Hold his hand for 5-15 mins. in yours or in his don't matter.
3. Write 5 of these letters to 5 friends and keep the original.
4. Set out the hair and this letter and chant his name before taking a cup of water.

where was i when this easy lesson of dealing with men was passed around in grade school?

this conjures up all sorts of visions of young boys with chunks of missing hair and other personal items. and holding his hand? things have changed! 12 year old boys generally ran from girls at that age. you mean there actually some out there that will sit still and let you hold his hand for even one minute? i imagine there are. my daughter had clued me in that she has had a boyfriend for a month or so who dumped her because he was jealous and then kept asking her to come back to him. she told him no. good for her.

back to packing...ughhhhhh.

panta rhei II

2005-05-20T22:38:00.000-07:00

many, many changes here in our household. the upheaval of the impending move isn't the only one. not only are we moving out of the apartment, we are moving away to another state. to a small town in illinois named danville, to put a fine point on it.

i had spent the beginning of this week looking at every available apartment in the paper and came away feeling more despondent than when i started. i work a full time job on a military base but i don't make enough to be able to support the rising cost of housing here in san diego.

blah, blah, blah. i would never be able to thank god enough for my friend,mary who is helping me move and my friend, kellie, who is waiting for me in illinois. i am exhausted from all the work and i still have my room to do *groan*.

there is something else happening at the moment that i won't get into now. nothing bad. it pertains to a certain man i haven't seen in years who has recently resurfaced.

a final note for clint and steelcowboy, i am eating....lol. have no worries in that area. i need my strength physically and emotionally for this trek.

i wish i could elaborate more on everything. my mind only seems to be able to release small bursts of cohesive thought and then shuts down on auto pilot. i have so much more to do. i will be back when i have a chance.

panta rhei...

2005-05-17T06:20:00.000-07:00

everything changes. whether for good or bad, everything changes. i am currently going through some rough changes of my own. my daughter and i are being evicted from our little apartment. the landlord has designs on renovating this little matchbox into a condo to sell. and, because i was late with the rent she took the opportunity to oust us.

well, if anything, the best part from this would be the stress. i tend not to eat when i get really stressed. i will probably be seeing that size 8 outfit next month. that would be nice. get unpacked and moved into my new place, look out my new windows with my new smaller figure.

i've never been evicted before. i know it's my own fault for being late with the rent. i just didn't expect such a rude awakening.

panta rhei.....everything changes (heraclitus)

2005-05-01T06:57:00.000-07:00

yes, i have a fondness for mermaids. no vapid, dreamy eyed wanna-bes for me, though. this one has dark irridescent freshwater pearls, amazonite, labradorite, turquoise and silver. the pendants were made by a fabulous ceramic named Gaea. she is an artist in ojai, here in california. i have since purchased many more mermaids, as well as some other pieces that i have created gifts with or sold. she even created a representation of melusine, for me.

2005-05-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

this is the first mermaid necklace i made. i purchased the pendant for myself on my birthday last year. it has lots of different freshwater pearls, some amazonite, labradorite, and lots of sterling silver spacers.

yes, i'm a lunatic

2005-04-29T19:46:00.000-07:00

CURRENT MOON

lunar phases

i'm a big loser....

2005-04-23T11:51:00.000-07:00

and so is my waistline! for the better! i started walking with a friend of mine (mary) in the mornings before work. we walk about 5 miles, four days a week. mary and i started doing this in august of last year and by december i had lost 40 pounds. i still can't believe it. i seem to have plateaued now and need to add another exercise on top of the walking to get a few more pounds off. i have been able to maintain the weight loss over the past few months for the most part. a couple pounds seem to waffle on and off occasionally.

it hurts the slightest bit that now my closet is empty. okay, it doesn't really hurt, it's just an annoyance! i had generally been a healthy size 12 on up to a size 16. i held onto all the clothes in between at that stage because i thought i would never get below size 12. well, now i am a size 10. i actually cried at the check out when i purchased my first size 10 outfit. i have never been below a size 12 for the past 25 years. that's all of my teen and adult life. and i will bawl even more when i get down to an 8. i went through every drawer and hanger in my closet and bureau and cleaned them out. i didn't care how beautiful it was, how much it cost, or whether it held any great memories, if it was too big, it was gone! i never want to have clothes lurking in a corner somewhere that i could keep in case i put some weight back on.

it's strange what runs through people's minds when they see you've lost weight. most of it is nice. some people, who can't even approach me to ask personally, inquire to my coworkers about what i may be using. weight watchers? no. trimspa? oh hell no! slimfast? nope. i don't diet. i eat what i want. i just take care to check how much i eat. i also made the time in my busy schedule to do this. and i didn't set out to lose weight, either. i just wanted some time for myself and mary to be able to chat about woman stuff, work stuff, etc., to vent. so, i start my day at 4:30 am, get on a bus by 5:30 am to where mary picks me up between 6-6:30 and we walk, talk, and sometimes put on our headphones and walk singularly. but we do it every day that we share the same schedule. we walk until about 8am when she has to leave to go home and get ready. sometimes i'll continue to walk until about 8:45 or i might go to the gym where we work. we both work at a military base in san diego. it has a nice park-like atmosphere and is perfect for our walking routine. then the work day starts at 9:15. i generally get home from work between 7-7:30 depending on the bus ride. it can make for a very long day, but it's actually enjoyable.

i won't get into what the looks and comments i've received from members of the male population where i work. that's another entry in itself. suffice to say, it's all very complimentary. the looks are rather suggestive, though!

i will continue to post more about this, especially when i hit a single digit size.

2004-12-06T18:51:00.000-08:00

now that winter is here, i finally get to see the moon. my extended hours at work for the holiday season and my very early mornings to go work out and walk every morning afford me every opportunity to see my great glowing friend.

like the great pumpkin who followed charlie brown, the lovely moon lights my walk to the bus stop in the morning. i'm sure there's some sort of stupidity award for beginning the day that soon. can you still call it a day when it's that dark? i wonder! back to my shadow. my ever-faithful glowing shadow. there's only one other thing that's as constant as the moon, my monthly indulgence of salty things and chocolate and all the things that go with it.

army captain frank myers...somewhere in the sandbox

2004-09-05T19:17:00.000-07:00

I came across a particular blog recently. One from an army captain stationed in Irag, i believe. It is funny, informative and very touching. i think the item that affected me the most was his entry about a visit to the Ibn Sina hospital where he comes a across a man who is covered with bandages that Captain Myers thinks is grunting. The attending nurse kindly informs him that the man thinks he is screaming.

Upon reading that i had clear visions of the memories of reading "Johnny Got His Gun" in high school. The soldier lying in bed with no arms, legs or face trying to communicate with the world around him. It is chilling. It is war. You may not like it, there are certainly times when i don't. But i will remember to honor the soldier long after the war is done. There are times in your life when you just need to be quiet and be reverant for the grand sacrifice that they have chosen to endure. You may not like the cause I know i don't. But they are there and they are getting injured and dying. Thankfully, many are coming back relatively unscathed. That, in itself, is a prayer answered for many families. If you have any comments or complaints please address them to the rich Texan on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Working on a military base puts me in constant contact with service people who become wonderful friends that someday have to leave to places like Irag or Afghanistan or any other place in the world. They remember to check in and say hello when they come through. I can't begin to tell what a blessing that is for me. To know that someone has come back safe and sound and with a smile on their face glad to be home is a warming thought. Best wishes and happy homecoming to USMC Gunnery Sgt. Brett Baker who's convoy was abushed and took a hit in the chest. He certainly had a new respect for his flak jacket!

Back to Captain Myers and his blog. I hope someday that one of your Iragi respondents has something nice to say. If you find that they are lacking, i'm sure one of us will be more than happy to step up and say something to remind you how much you and your comrades mean to a grateful nation.

Thank you Frank!

you can read about Frank's trials and tribulations at FrankMyers.blogspot.com

what celtic deity are you?

2004-08-28T09:51:00.000-07:00

Take the quiz: "What'>http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=989">"What Celtic Diety are you?"

The Triple Goddess
(Pan-Celtic) The Triple Goddess is known and worshipped in Pagan cultures the world over. She is eternal, yet always changing. Like the moon which represents her, she shows a different face throughout her eternal cycle, yet she is always the same moon. At once she's the Maiden, Mother, and Crone, the creatrix who births all things into being, who devours all at its ending, and who provides life anew when the cycle begins again.Many different colors are attributed to her, but in Celtic Paganism they are white for the Maiden, red for the Mother, and black for the Crone. Throughout the Celtic lands many ancient remnants of her preeminence remain. One of the best examples survives at Corleck, County Cavan, Ireland, where an ancient and weathered stone is carved with three faces. Each face looks out to a different direction

what kind of god are you?

2004-08-23T06:25:00.000-07:00

five words of a gothic tone

2004-08-01T13:57:00.000-07:00

my friend, M, that i exchange books and five words with is a great fan of gothic literature, most notably Edgar Allen Poe. he lent me a book called "gothic tales" compiled by chris baldrick,oxford library edition, i believe. it is a very good read. i highly recommend it. anyway, M prefers his gothic stories during the fall yet, he has introduced the five words in a gothic theme for our mental exercise. following are the first couple submissions i gave from the words he gave me. more will follow soon.

LYCEUM DEEPENING ASUNDER DANK EERIE

her resolve deepening with every breath, she stepped into the mausoleum. her footfalls echoed on the ground, reminding her of descending into the large, empty lyceum where she would meet her husband. she had the eerie sensation that she wasn't alone. as she approached him she noticed that he looked like he was only sleeping. she brushed the hair from his forehead and remarked that his skin was still warm. she lie down next to him and swallowed the poison she had hidden in her gown. let no man put asunder, she thought..."not even death" she whispered. with her last gasp of the dank, stale air she thought that she had felt his arms around her.

GRAVE SCARIFY IMPATIENT FLAW BOUND

the graven, scarified mess of clay that once was a testament of love to the immortal beauty in his dreams was made flawed by angry, violent hands. he looked down at his own hands, speckled and encrusted with clay that should have been pristine, as visions of the vile deed darkened his eyes.

he knew now that he was eternally bound to this impatient, animal dreamself. with a shudder of horror, it came to him that he had always known.

PESTILENT SHREWD DARKNESS UNDER COOL

i do not long for the pestilent, shrewd stare of the sun. instead, i wait for the cloak of darkness to fall when i will languish in the grass like ophelia, under the cool gaze of a million enraptured stars.

AUTUMN EDDIES MASON CRACK DIM

her favorite time to walk was always in the evening. she would stroll to a low wall made by an ancient mason ages ago where she'd sit and finger a crack in the stone now filled with cool, velvety moss. she would lie with her head on the moss watching the autumn leaves dance and swirl in the eddies. she watched as the sun's dimming light made the leaves glow like sparks from a fire. she lay there watching, thinking how wonderful it must be to just swirl.

CRAMOISIE PROPITIATE DOCK GRAVEN CLOAK

she was standing in a field of thistle and crimson blooming dock when he saw her in the distance ahead. as he approached her his voice froze in his throat and his face became graven and green with shock as his mind tried to make sense of the sudden carnage in his path.

she turned towards him and lowered the hood of her cloak. cold, unhuman eyes met his and he knew that no amount of propitiating pleas would help him now. he felt her warm, blooded lips on his and his mind went numb. everything before before his eyes became a scarlet monotone; the crimson dock at his feet, her cramoisie cloak that seemed to envelop them both, and the blood spurting that fell like rain upon his face.

BRISK FLIVVER VAMP CRISP CHANGE

the crisp, crackling leaves seems to be the only sound on my walk this evening. the wind begins to change, becoming a bit more brisk, as i stop to feel its caress.

but my time of enchantment ends far too quickly as i hear his revamped old flivver sputtering up the road to fetch me home.

FETID ILLUMINATION PASTY STILETTO OBSIDIAN

the foul, fetid smell was coming from behind an ivy covered door that the new mistress had never seen before. curiousity overcame her as she pushed the ivy aside and pulled the latch on the door. it swung open easily and quietly but the sudden stench that emerged violated her senses making her stumble back. she collected herself and took a step forward into the hallway. the faint illumination cast a glow across a figure at the end of the passageway. she froze in horror at the sight of the nude, mutilated body hanging from the wall. her eyes fixed on the shining stiletto protruding from the captive's pasty chest as she moved closer and looked into the dead obsidian eyes of the former mistress of the house.

LACONIC VOLUBLE PRAGMATIST NADIR SHAFT

the normally laconic woman couldn't seem to stop herself from babbling. the voluble stream of disconnected words did not come from the mind of the pragmatist that she had always been. they came from a woman at her nadir with only a shaft of light to illuminate her madness.

five words five minutes redux

2004-06-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

My friend, heath, told me about this game he would play at a bar with friends of his called 'five words five minutes'. You suggest five words to your partner who then has five minutes to create a series of cohesive sentences or one sentence using all five words.

I have a friend at work that I have begun this game with. We don't have the luxury of sitting together for the amount of time specified so we just pass off five words to one another and hand them back when we see each other.

it's been quite an experience for me. I love to read and have always wanted to write but seemed to lack the talent. This is a small, pleasurable way for me to expand my skills and astound my friends at what I can create.

m's words for me:

PENCIL, GREEN, SUBMERGE, AUTOBAHN, TREAD

I had this dream once that I was flying through the air. Far down below was a river made pencil thin by the distance between us. It's smooth green surface belying its true nature; like coursing an autobahn, it only rages as fast as you dare yourself to go.

I descended into the liquid. I had no desire to tread the current. I just wanted to submerge myself and float away.

LAY, DARKENED, AMISS, PAPER, CLOSED

Something is amiss. I can feel it deep within. My minds eye scans the lay of the land and watches the darkened clouds that bring no relief.

The paper-thin eyelids that shield my sleep from light and distraction quiver awake.

I have closed my eyes many times to dreams that give no comfort - to dreams that give no rest.

AUTOMATON, METROPOLIS, SUBVERSIVE, SENSUAL, LUXURIATE

In nearly every large metropolis this same scene is reenacted every day: yuppie automatons impatiently tapping their toes and chattering on their cell phones while waiting to order their half caf-half decaf nonfat soy lattes. Then they hover around the counter waiting for their drink likes vultures circling the carrion.

I'm beginning to think that there is something subversive and quite luxuriating about a real mocha prepared the old-fashioned way with actual chocolate and not a mix. The perfect balance of espresso, milk, and mexican chocolate is enough to provide me with a sensual high that keeps me happy long after the caffeine buzz wears off.

i miss the moon

2004-06-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

this day was like any other, except the sun seems to get up before i do now. that's the only thing i hate about summer. the sun comes up so very early. i like to get up early on the mornings of a full moon and watch it set in my kitchen window. just sit there with a mocha and watch the world spin. to let what's left of the night move on into someone else's life. it's such a peaceful time.

not that i don't love the evenings. it never fails, i'll be walking home from the bus stop lost in meaningless thought and for some reason turn to look and see this huge orange moon making it's appearance early in the sky. and i know that when dusk finally falls, the light show will begin and i will probably be too busy to come outside and enjoy it. the shadows will soften but still be defined and no one has to be afraid to walk home alone because it is never entirely dark.

it always seems to be rather calming for me. i used to lie out in the back yard and wait for the moon to come up. my daughter and i would lie there and talk or just watch the stars. apartment life has since put an end to that pleasure. i think i even remember doing that many years ago on dates when i actually did date. or maybe i just wish that someone would want to just lie there with me and breathe in the night and stare at the moon with the same love that i do.

*********************************

touching you i say (it being Spring
and night ) "let us go a very little beyond
the last road-there's something to be found"

and smiling you answer "everything
turns into something else, and slips away....
(these leaves are Thingish with moondrool
and i'm so very little afraid")
i say
"along this particular road the moon if you'll
notice follows us like a big yellow dog. You

don't believe? look back. (Along the sand
behind us, a big yellow dog that's....now it's red
a big red dog that may be owned by who
knows)
only turn a little your. so. And

there's the moon, there is something faithful and mad"
e e cummings

rapunzel! rapunzel! get your sunscreen!!

2004-06-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

do you the know the whole story of what happened to rapunzel after the witch cut off her hair? so many of us don't. of course, being a fairy tale there is always a "happy ever after" ending. but this one takes a long time to get there...

when the witch discovers rapunzel's duplicity, she cuts off her hair and banishes her to a desert on the other side of the world. the witch lies in waiting for the prince and when he approaches and speaks the words for rapunzel to release her hair, the witch does so and reveals herself when he reaches the top. she blinds him in both eyes and banishes him for an eternity to wander aimlessly.

meanwhile, on the other side of the world, poor rapunzel realizes she is pregnant with the prince's child. she eventually gives birth to twins. she wanders the desert with her children in tow for ten years. one day she comes across a man lying in the road and realizes that he is her prince from long ago. she starts to cry at her good fortune and the first two tears that fall release the prince from the witch's spell and he is no longer blind.

now, we all know what ten hard years in the desert can do to a woman, more significantly, a woman with kids. but the prince remembered his pledge before god in the tower when he was alone with rapunzel and made her his wife. and that is when they lived happily ever after.

for whatever reason i have always seemed to identify with this story. probably because she is a single mother who has to make her away alone through the world. another reason could be that rapunzel was never a princess or a child of landed gentry, she was a simple, normal girl. i think my favorite reason is that it was rapunzel who broke the spell. no man made his way to rescue her. she put one foot in front of the other and made her way through the world with her kids. it was she that came to the rescue.

i think the grimm brother's may have caught hell on this story for it's indecency. single mothers were not at all talked about in polite circles. and fallen women were generally left to wander in the desert for their wickedness. i believe that's why they had the prince proclaim his love to rapunzel in the tower before god. they needed their happy ending. as we all need our own.

in many ways i feel that i'm still wandering in the desert. although, i hardly believe that i will find any handsome man waiting to be healed in the middle of the road. with my luck, i might accidentally trip over him, think him a transient and leave him a dollar for coffee, maybe two, coffee's not cheap any more.

maybe i need to cure my self of my blindness first. i don't know. some days it is hard not to be jaded and myopic. what i do know is that the journey isn't over yet. something is coming, i can feel it. sometimes i start to get anxious wanting to find out what it is. but like rapunzel, i will continue to wander the desert aimlessly and suffer mirages until i trip over a worthy man.
*******

"one of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say." will durant

"mom, does nana drive a vulva?"

2004-06-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

i have a daughter, 11 years old, who has just spent a week in a sex education class at school. here in california, they usually schedule it just before your child is due to go to 6th grade camp. my daughter brought home the form, i signed it and she was on her way to learn about the human reproductive system with the words of her mother ringing in her ears. words like "spell vagina" or "spell testicles". my daughter, of course, always gives the correct response " mom...ewwww that's nasty". did she raise her hand in class when she knew the answer? i have no idea. but i do know that she knew more than some of her classmates knew. on the other hand, it could very well be a possibility that one of her classmates (god forbid) has already had practical experience in some things sexual.

it's still a very touchy subject with some people, sex is. we want our sons and daughters to be prepared and yet we arm them with ignorance. answer this question yourself, what has ignorance ever protected you from? in my experience it has protected me from nothing. while i know my daughter isn't about to start shouting the words vagina and testicles from the back of the class. i do know that she will be prepared. she and i have already had chats about sex since i found out that one of her father's other children had given birth at a very early age. and then again when the neighbor's niece had sex at 13.

my daughter is still very young and naive. still very much a child and not quite into boys, yet. she is starting to become boy crazy and i have to listen to the shrills when some cute little guy shows up on screen(orlando bloom, being her current love). but she's aware of certain things. she's not ignorant.

my mother didn't know how to approach me with the sex talk. instead, in 5th grade she gave me a book that answered all my questions with cute little characters and cartoons. i giggled and blushed and showed it to my friends. but, more importantly, i read it. i read it all. my mother did what she thought was the right thing to do under the circumstances. she didn't know how to say what she needed to say so she bought a book. i don't know if my grandmother ever had a chat with my mother about those things when my mother was young. perhaps not if my mom didn't have any idea what to say to her budding daughter. we all make choices based on what we have learned in the past. my mother may not have spoken to me directly, but she communicated. she did the right thing.

i don't make a joke of sex. it is a very serious matter, especially to a parent who has to deal with it. i believe i make it more comfortable for her to approach me about it and she always has in the past. i don't want that to end.

*******

my daughter did, in fact, ask me one day "mom, does nana (our sitter) drive a vulva?" after i finally got my self composure back from laughing hysterically, i told her the difference between a volvo and vulva. apparently they had just discussed vulvas in her sex-ed class the week before.

What kind of God are you?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
You earthly time was spent	"Laying" with the sons and/or daughters of men for hours... and days... and weeks...
Your throne is	A towering onyx chair, reflecting perpetual moonlight, adorned with the skulls of the vanquished
You wear	A rainbow for a sash, and mountains for shoes
Your Godly superpower is	A flaming, indestructible sword with which you shall avenge the slain innocents and humble the arrogant

This cool quiz by pelagicboreas - Taken 6149 Times.